In this quick 2 minute “Connie off the Cuff” video recorded behind the scenes of a keynote speech in Phoenix, you’ll discover the one thing you need to deliver a presentation.
Posts Tagged ‘Talk Less Say More’
Speak from Your Heart, not Just Your Head
Tuesday, June 14th, 2011 by Connie DiekenThe Tone Gap: How to Prevent an E-mail Disaster
Thursday, October 28th, 2010 by Connie Dieken
Ever received an e-mail response that struck you as the communication equivalent of Whac-A-Mole? Maybe you got a curt “see below” when you sent a question to a peer in an e-mail chain. You felt clobbered by your peer’s abrupt, dismissive tone. Instead of getting clarification (you already knew the answer was not below), you felt hammered by Ms. Snippy or Mr. Ever-rude.
Now let’s reverse the scenario. YOU’RE the one who sends the response. You know your peer is under deadline, so you reply pronto (mid-meeting from your Blackberry, to boot). You don’t intend to be abrasive – you believe the answer they’re seeking is in the e-mail chain below and you’re trying to guide them to the right spot in a timely manner.
See the difference? It’s the tone gap.
There’s often a profound difference between the tone you intend and the one the receiver experiences. It can be critical because your tone can be an influence maker or an influence breaker.
That’s because when you receive an email, you assign the tone. You interpret whether the sender’s tone is helpful, dismissive, playful, snide, warm or cold. Now reverse it. When you send an e-mail, others do the same thing to you. As a result, you may be ticking people off left and right without realizing it. As an executive coach, I’m hearing tonal gap issues playing out with alarmingly increasing frequency. Good people are damaging relationships and being held back from leadership advancements because they’re unaware they’re alienating their bosses, peers and clients.
Here’s the thing: e-mail communication lacks the three human signals that indicate tone. 1) There’s no warmth of voice. 2) No body language. 3) No facial expressions. Faced with a lack of tone, people often assign your words the worst possible tone – especially if you happen to catch them when they’re under stress or in a grumpy mood. It’s particularly important when e-mailing people who don’t know you well enough to “hear” your voice accurately.
How can you prevent a tone gap? Make it a connecting habit to add intentional warmth. I don’t mean to pour on the syrup with fake, sticky-sweet e-mails. That would defeat my Talk Less, Say More mantra. Instead, three tiny tweaks can make an enormous difference in how people interpret your typing tone and boost your ability to influence.
Here are three quick tips to add intentional warmth:
- Start with the person’s name. A simple personalized “Hi Les” or even just “Les,” signals that you’re thoughtful and respectful and don’t intend to cop an attitude.
- Add a warm connecting sentence to the top such as “Good to hear from you,” “Thanks for your quick response,” or “I appreciate your input.” Make a habit of re-reading your e-mails before hitting “send” and adding a connecting sentence. This can prevent your tone from coming across as blunt or dictatorial.
- Sign off in a friendly manner with your first name, such as “Best regards, Elizabeth,” or “Thanks, Elizabeth.” Insert this before your signature file which generally contains your full name. Inserting your first name suggests a more personal, friendly tone.
The bottom line is this: we judge ourselves by our intentions, but we judge others by their actions. Make adding warmth an intentional connecting habit and you’ll tame the tone gap, come across as you want and achieve the results you desire.
How to Communicate with An Interrupter
Tuesday, March 30th, 2010 by Connie Dieken
It appeared to be an ambush worthy of the Kayne West Seal of Approval. Recently, an Academy Award winner was rudely interrupted mid-acceptance by a woman who appeared to big foot her way into his big moment. More than 41 million telecast viewers were confounded. Twitter and Facebook erupted with news of “the interrupter.”
Turns out, the interrupter was no interloper. She was his co-winner. Tangled in a credit-hogging turf war, the two had raced to the stage to get in the first word. He ran a lot faster. As she burst onto the glittering platform, she hijacked the microphone and cut him off before clutching her shiny statuette.
What does this case of communication-interruptus have to do with you?
Chances are someone has rudely interrupted you in the last 24 hours, if not the last 24 minutes. Interrupting is escalating. Cutting people off and talking over them has become the new norm in our demanding, impatient, instant gratification world. The Academy Award scene is playing out everywhere – in boardrooms, meeting rooms, lunchrooms, phone calls, even on Capitol Hill. Everybody wants to get a word in edgewise.
Isn’t it frustrating to be plowed over by someone who thinks the only voice worth listening to is his own? Beyond simple rudeness on the part of some communicators, I’d like to offer a few possibilities on why more people are cutting you off, how to prevent it, and how to handle those relentless, habitual interrupters.
Why it’s happening
Face it, some people are rude. But these old school interrupters are now joined by a new breed of interrupters: The Chronically Impatient. Buoyed by instant technology and addicted to speed, these pragmatic people are having a tough time tolerating long winded ramblers. The Chronically Impatient value time, clarity, and action and they want you to get to the point, pronto. If you dilly dally, they’ll either nudge you with a brief interjectory question or they’ll outright overpower you and butt in as if your words don’t matter.
How to prevent it
- Sound confident. If you speak with conviction, people are more likely to show their respect by listening instead of dismissing your ideas and talking over you.
- Don’t be long winded. Lengthy explanations invite interruptions, so get to your point quickly. One technique I lay out in Talk Less, Say More is to frontload your messages to meet people’s specific needs and values. Busy people want you to convey brief, meaty ideas so they can get back to the gazillion others things on their to-do lists.
- Don’t hog the floor. Sometimes people interrupt because it’s the only way they feel they can get a word in edgewise. Do you dominate discussions? If so, that may induce interruptions. Watch for signals and be aware of when others want to contribute.
- Stop speed talking. If you’ve ever received feedback that you’re a fast talker, chances are you’re often interrupted. Why? After all, you’re talking as fast as you can. Bingo. Some people can’t digest what you’re saying at a high rate of speed, so they cut in to catch up.
How to handle interrupters
Managing interrupters is situational. The first step is to figure out why people are cutting in. Are they rude or are you inadvertently inviting interruptions? If you feel it’s the other person’s fault, here are a few options to handle the situation:
- The polite but firm “right back at ya.” Sometimes you must return the dirty deed with a polite retort, saying something like, “Excuse me, Debbie, but I didn’t get to finish. I’d like to add that…”
- The private chat. If a problem persists, privately inquire, “Did you realize that you frequently interrupt me? Is there something I can do to help solve the issue?” Often, pragmatic people are used to being rewarded for being a contributor and they have no idea they’re hurting your feelings.
- Establish meeting rules. In some office cultures, meetings are a free-for-all. If enough people are upset, why not work out a system for taking turns? Allot a time limit and seek contributions from everyone. If people know they’ll have an opportunity to talk, they’re more likely to wait their turn.
- Keep right on talking. Dealing with a relentless interrupter who just won’t stop? The unconventional, last ditch approach of forging ahead with your sentence and adding more volume delivers a jarring and unmistakable message. It conveys that you’re sick of being rudely interrupted and you’re just not taking it anymore.
Did Balloon Boy Take You for a Ride?
Sunday, October 18th, 2009 by admin
The balloon boy’s dad, Richard Heene, thought he’d convinced America that his eccentric family should have its own reality show.
Instead, he got a reality check.
Why? We were on to him, suspicious of his communication style from the get-go. The circumstances leading up to the Jiffy Pop balloon escapade were telling: the Wife Swap appearances. The rant-filled video of the balloon release. The former colleagues calling Heene a narcissistic attention-seeker.
Dad got precisely the attention he didn’t want when his non-balloon boy opened his mouth on live TV. Falcon revealed what six year olds often do – the truth. “You said we did it for the show,” he replied to dear old dad, talking too much.
Whoops. The family’s alibi just floated away.
So what does this have to do with you in the workplace? Everything. We’re living in a skeptical world. Even when you try to convince others to buy into your ideas and decisions legitimately, people are suspicious they’re being duped. The more you talk, the less they believe. The new default status is to assume that people are pulling a fast one.
In my new book, Talk Less, Say More, I lay out the three habits you need to influence others successfully in our demanding 21st century world. The 3 habits are to Connect-Convey-Convince®. Heene’s stunt soared through the first two habits by engaging and laying out a strong storyline, but his balloon popped as he attempted the third and trickiest habit, to convince.
First, let’s get clear about what I mean by convincing, which is very different from manipulating. The difference is intent. Manipulators like Richard Heene focus on their own needs and theirs alone. They’re determined to get their way, regardless of their impact on others. They’ll steamroll, lie, or talk too much in order to get what they want. Ultimately, a manipulator’s story doesn’t ring true, so he/she fails to convince.
It’s a tremendous challenge to influence behaviors, decisions and actions in today’s skeptical world. Here are three strategies to help you convince honestly and successfully:
- Sound decisive. Stop babbling and backpedaling. Caught in a tangled web when his son outed him, Heene started backpedaling. He stalled as he tried to come up with an plausible answer as to why Falcon said, “we did it for the show.” With the evidence mounting against him, dad’s balloon of confidence deflated. He sidestepped by blaming the media, and he came across as deceptive.
- Transfer ownership. You need peer power in order to convince others to buy in. That means you must shift your ideas and decisions to others so they’ll embrace them. Did Heene have peers in his life who backed him up? No. One by one, former colleagues stepped forward to trash the guy. They essentially called him a media whore. His peers weren’t convinced that he was telling the truth, so we weren’t either.
- Adjust your energy. It’s critical to choose the right energy level for the situation. Mom and pop Heene seemed to have hit the sweet spot for the 911 call and the ensuing police visit at the house. The cops who monitored the family on lift-off day thought the Henne family got the verbal and body language right. But they couldn’t sustain it. Why? Energy feeds on itself. Once the Heene’s went off-script, they were done in. Turns out the “amateur scientist” was also an amateur actor. Dad’s body language when young Falcon talked too much on CNN was a giant red flag. Dad’s face, body and tone of voice changed drastically and revealed that he was lying.
Heene’s plan to land a reality gig crash landed, and not nearly as gently as the Jiffy Pop balloon in the newly-ploughed field. Instead of facing reality TV cameras, Heene and his wife are now facing federal charges. Bottom line? Convincing is not a thunderbolt event. It’s not a once-and-done episode. It’s a sequence of events that unfolds incrementally, earning others’ trust and respect. And that’s not hot air.
Did Letterman Communicate Effectively to Influence the Public?
Saturday, October 3rd, 2009 by admin
How you communicate a message has a direct impact on your ability to influence opinions.
Here’s my quick summary of the brilliance and blind spots of David Letterman’s attempt to influence public opinion with the news of his sexual relationships and extortion plot, based on a sequence of 3 habits: Connect, Convey, Convince® from my new book, Talk Less, Say More:
Habit 1 – Connect
Definition: Capture attention – give people what they want and value so they tune in to you.
This is where Letterman excelled because America is clearly engaged by his story. His brilliance at connecting was twofold. 1) He claimed home court advantage by getting out front and defining the story as an extortion case, instead of letting other media define it based primarily on the sexual affairs. 2) He stayed in his comfort zone by delivering the bad news on his own TV show, behind his familiar desk, in front of a devoted (if completely perplexed) audience. Like most performers, the late night comic is more in command, at ease, and less anxious connecting in a studio than anywhere else.
Habit 2 – Convey
Definition: Manage information – get your points across with clarity, not confusion.
Letterman’s attempt to positively influence his audience came to a screeching halt at this step for two reasons. 1.) He withheld the salient details, so we’re all left scratching our heads wondering, “Who? When? Where?” His failure to provide pertinent points has a creep factor to it. Some people are asking, “Isn’t that sexual harassment for the boss to have sex with his staff?” “When did this go on?” “Was he married at the time?” “Was it with interns?” He gave the story legs by not addressing these concerns. Chances are, his lawyers admonished him to “Talk Less.” 2.) He confused the audience by mixing in jokes with his admission. The audience couldn’t discern whether it was a joke or whether it was a serious matter, so they laughed inappropriately at times. I do give Letterman credit, however, for specifically acknowledging that he had sex with women who work for him on the show. At least he didn’t pull a Clinton. He admitted to pulling down his World Wide Pants. (Ironic name for his company, isn’t it?)
Habit 3 – Convince
Definition: Manage Action – win commitment and move people to act or believe now.
Letterman showed a gaping blind spot in his attempt to convince one audience, but he was powerfully effective at influencing a second audience, which was likely his primary concern. Let’s look at them separately:
- Audience #1: The general public. Letterman failed to convince mainstream America that they should stay committed to him as a genial talk show host. He risked losing the trust of many Americans because he could now be seen as “that guy” – the serial cheater. He also comes across as a hypocrite for denouncing other mens’ affairs in his monologues.
- Audience #2: the Manhattan district attorney’s office. Letterman scored a home run with this audience. He convinced the D.A. to set up a very quick sting, which lead to the arrest of a fellow CBS employee on charges of attempted grand larceny in the first degree. He got the district attorney’s office to commit to act on the extortion charge and they followed through beautifully.
How will this all play out? It depends upon many factors, including whether Letterman’s sexual partners come forward, what they reveal, whether his wife reacts publicly, and whether the alleged extortionist, “48 Hours” producer Joe Halderman, cops a plea or chooses to go to trial and unearth other facts in the case.
But in the court of early public opinion, winning a mixed judgment on a case as explosive as this is a blessing. Under the circumstances, the approach seems to have worked in Letterman’s favor. At the very least, the talk show host was influential enough to put an alleged blackmailer in the hot seat right next to him.
