Posts Tagged ‘Criticism’

Reconsider Confidence – It’s Not What You Think

Monday, June 20th, 2011 by Connie Dieken

Recently, my life has been packed with one life-altering experience after another. Among them were two milestone graduations – my son’s from college and my daughter’s from high school. (This makes me feel so old.  Congratulations, Spencer and Ali!)

Which got me to thinking about confidence – and how people completely misunderstand it. Confidence is more critical now than ever in the economy we’re facing today. It’s essential to cultivate it so you can seize opportunities and avoid pitfalls.

But it’s not just recent graduates who crave confidence – every C-suite executive whom I’ve had the privilege to coach wants a booster shot to help them be more influential and make things happen. They understand that  confidence begets influence and personal impact.

But here’s the catch: you crush your own confidence every day. Oh, you don’t intend to.  Chances are, you don’t even realize that you’re undermining your ability to make an impact, day-in and day-out. It’s certainly not your intent.

So what’s going on?

Simple. You may confuse confidence with self-esteem. Grasping the difference between the two can transform how you interact with others – whether you’re a seasoned executive or a newbie in the business world. I’ve witnessed extraordinary transformations in leaders’ abilities to influence as I share this secret of executive presence and then coach them in how to unleash their confidence in presentations and other make-it or break-it interactions. Even the most anxious public speaker – whose jitters would normally crush their own confidence in the front of the room – will morph into a remarkably influential presenter when they employ this unshakable confidence technique.

So what is confidence, then? Simply put, confidence is the expectation of a positive outcome in a specific situation.  Period.  It’s not self-esteem, which is how you secretly size yourself up and assign your status in the world.  Self-esteem is where insecurities like Imposter Syndrome lurk. Unlike self-esteem, confidence is situational. Which means you’re completely in control to ignite it or zap it like a bug on neon – one situation at a time.  Confidence is easily within reach when you unhook it from the complicated, big-picture puzzle of self-esteem. Tell yourself that you are prepared in this specific situation, envision a positive outcome, and fear will melt away. This shift in mindset is simple, yet it’s a profound game-changer.

I encourage you to devour the interview with Tim Sanders in my next post.  Tim will challenge you to reconsider confidence,  helping you overcome self-doubt and fear.

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Posted in Communication Skills, Exclusive Podcasts, Executive Presence, Influence, Leadership | No Comments »

How to Conquer Criticism

Tuesday, April 27th, 2010 by Connie Dieken

Goldman Sachs executives were skewered on Capitol Hill this week.  They were sach-ed. The men faced blistering cross examination by the Senate on the firm’s mortgage market and its role in the country’s financial collapse.

During their time on the hot seat, the current and former leaders, along with the prolific e-mail braggart known as “Fabulous Fab,” were lambasted with biting questions and criticism from outraged lawmakers. Unrepentant, resistant, and uneasy, the executives denied responsibility as lawmakers ripped into them.

Can you imagine handling that kind of fiery criticism?  Many businessmen and women are fearful of being blasted in the workplace following presentations or even in team meetings.

As I’ve coached high-powered executives for the past decade, I’ve heard a recurring theme: the fear of criticism. It’s the fear that you’ll be judged harshly or won’t measure up to expectations. This fear is growing because we’re living in a world that encourages cheap shots. Snarky people abound on the Internet and otherwise, unleashing their inner Simon Cowell, judging others severely.

Here’s the problem: fear of criticism is like kryptonite to executives.  It has a crippling effect, draining your power and influence. It can cause you to hold back instead of contributing.  It may lead you to be defensive when well-meaning people offer constructive feedback. Or it may cause you to play it too safe and offer a vanilla version of what could have been a much more compelling contribution.

Even the most capable leaders can be crippled by a secret fear of criticism.  Here are a few tips to help you overcome it:

  • Resist the temptation to be defensive. Do you often jump in and cut off criticism with a knee-jerk defensive reaction?  If so, you may unwittingly escalate the situation.  Cutting off tough critics often causes them to grow more determined. As a result, they may zap you even harder next time. Defensiveness and evasiveness can also turn off well-meaning allies.
  • Keep the criticizer’s intent in mind. Bosses, co-workers and others in your life may offer feedback because they want to help you.  Their constructive feedback may be intended to help you improve your performance, not as a cheap shot or a grandstanding opportunity. Consider their true intent. Maybe they’re sharing wisdom from their own lessons learned. Is it possible you’re overly sensitive to criticism?
  • Ride the wave. One of the best approaches to handling criticism is to listen carefully and let the person finish completely.  Resist the temptation to deflect point-by-point. By hearing their full point of view, you stand the best chance to uncover the real issue and correct what may need to be fixed.
  • Conquer your inner critic. Often, the critical voice in your head is carrying too much weight. It can be far worse than anyone else’s potshot. Give it a rest. Starting today, create a positive daily dialogue to overrule your habit of critical self-talk.
  • Don’t be an avoider. There’s an old saying, “To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.” Clearly avoidance isn’t the answer. Turn it around. Face it.  Get the confrontation over with instead of dreading it all day. Often, reality isn’t nearly as bad as the situation you imagined and avoided.

Some people trace their fear of criticism back to childhood, when they experienced excessive criticism that’s gotten stuck in their head like a broken record.  Others have received tongue-lashings from hypercritical bosses and had their confidence crushed.

Whatever its source, learning to conquer criticism gracefully is a sign of maturity and leadership.

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Posted in Communication Skills, Executive Presence, Leadership, Presentation Skills | 2 Comments »

Conquer Criticism: Tips to Overcome It

Tuesday, January 27th, 2009 by admin

fear-of-criticismWe’re living in a harsh, harsh world.  I’m sure you’ve noticed that you can now get a daily dose of cheap shots here on the Internet. Follow the comment section after most web entries and you’ll find boatloads of hyper-critical, snarky comments.  Turn on your TV and there it is again – the Simon Cowell effect – people openly judging and grading others harshly. Ouch.

As I’ve coached high-powered clients recently, I’ve been struck by a recurring, performance-draining concern that leaders share with me (and one I’ve faced, too) that craters confidence: fear of criticism. The fear that you won’t measure up to expectations and will be judged severely as a result.

Fear of criticism is like kryptonite to a leader.

It’s a powerful deterrent that drains your confidence and power. Sometimes your biggest critic is your own inner voice.  Sometimes it’s others’ ruthless opinions. Either way, it leads to one of three depleting communication styles:

  1. Holding back instead of contributing, in order to avoid having your ideas criticized
  2. Being overly-defensive when well-meaning people offer useful suggestions, or
  3. Playing it too safe by communicating a boring, vanilla version of your ideas instead of aiming for outstanding.

Most leaders tell me their fear of criticism pre-dates the Internet. Some trace it back to childhood, when they experienced excessive criticism  that stuck in their heads like a broken record. Others say they witnessed tongue-lashings in the workplace and fear receiving the same fate, which causes them to lack confidence and reduce risks.

As an executive communication coach, I’ve learned there’s no connection between competence and confidence.  Even the most capable leaders can be crippled by the secret fear of criticism. Here are a few tips to help you overcome it:

  • Forget perfection, think excellence. High performers often strive for flawless, which means aiming for the impossible.  Think excellence, instead, to get over that self-limiting hurdle.  Give yourself permission to be your best at this moment, not the best of all time.
  • Switch your focus from internal to external. You don’t want to hear this, but ego is involved.  Often, a fear of criticism reveals that you’re too concerned with what others think of you. Turn it around. Manage your thoughts to concentrate on meeting your receiver’s needs, not on how they may be sizing you up.
  • Don’t be an avoider. Criticism doesn’t have to actually occur to cause anxiety or injury.  Perhaps that critical voice in your head is carrying too much weight.  Learn to face your fears.  Starting today, create a positive inner daily dialogue to overrule and replace your hypercritical self-talk.
  • Keep the criticizer’s goal in mind. Some bosses, clients and others may offer criticism because they want to help you perform at the top of your game.  Their feedback may be intended solely to improve your performance, not to take a personal shot. Perhaps they’re sharing the wisdom of lessons learned.
  • Resist the temptation to become defensive. Do you jump in and cut off criticism with knee-jerk reactions? If so, you may escalate the situation.  Tough critics can grow more determined to zap you again next time.  And in these cases, there will be a next time. Stay open-minded.
  • Ask for clarification. One of the best aproaches to handle criticism is to listen carefully, let the person finish, and then ask for specific clarifications. That way, you hear their full point of view  and stand the best chance to correct what’s may need to be fixed.

Learning to conquer criticism gracefully is a sign of leadership and maturity. It communicates respect – both for yourself and the others who share their viewpoints.

Just don’t fall into the trap of doling out cruel criticisms youself.  Shallow criticism without direction is a useless power play.

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Posted in Communication Skills, Executive Presence, Leadership, Presentation Skills | 13 Comments »