Here’s a thoroughly unexpected, powerful lesson in how to be more influential. Ever fumbled around learning how to use a gadget – and taught the world an important life lesson in the process?
Probably not. But that’s what Bruce and Ester Huffman did.
Watch these grandparents as they try to figure out how to activate their brand spanking new web cam. Their granddaughter posted their adventure on YouTube and it went viral. Prior to this, the happy Huffmans had never even heard of YouTube.
Most people think the dynamic duo’s video is merely comical. But the executive coach in me sees a lesson that could set you free and change how you interact with others.
Bruce and Ester accidentally schooled us ina highly influential communication skill: the magnetic power of authenticity. They reveal themselves, burps and all. That’s why you’ll love them. As you watch this clip, I’m asking you to ponder what I’ve taken to heart: revealing a bit more of your true self will draw people to you, too.
You’ll resonate. And that’s as real as it gets. Why not use this example to activate your influence, like Bruce and Ester?
I recently returned from South America where I had the opportunity to keynote a large business conference in Colombia. (If you haven’t been to Colombia, it’s a great adventure.) Imagine this challenge, though: I don’t speak Spanish – and the audience of hundreds of business leaders didn’t speak a word of English. The other experts who presented at the event – from Spain, Argentina, Mexico and Colombia – were terrific and spoke Spanish, of course.
The language barrier could tank my presentation, right?
I humbly share that it didn’t. Before my plane even touched down back on American soil, the meeting planner shared that I’d made a powerful connection with the audience and theyinvited me back to keynote their next event.
How in the world did this happen, you’re wondering?
Increasingly, leaders like you are facing language barriers, both within your global organizations and in front of audiences in presentations. With that in mind, I’d like to share three quick lessons that I learned while preparing for my Colombian adventure in this brief video. I hope these tips will help you shine and make the most of your opportunity to connect, convey, and convince any audience!
In this quick 2 minute “Connie off the Cuff” video recorded behind the scenes of a keynote speech in Phoenix, you’ll discover the one thing you need to deliver a presentation.
Ever received an e-mail response that struck you as the communication equivalent of Whac-A-Mole? Maybe you got a curt “see below” when you sent a question to a peer in an e-mail chain. You felt clobbered by your peer’s abrupt, dismissive tone. Instead of getting clarification (you already knew the answer was not below), you felt hammered by Ms. Snippy or Mr. Ever-rude.
Now let’s reverse the scenario. YOU’RE the one who sends the response. You know your peer is under deadline, so you reply pronto (mid-meeting from your Blackberry, to boot). You don’t intend to be abrasive – you believe the answer they’re seeking is in the e-mail chain below and you’re trying to guide them to the right spot in a timely manner.
See the difference? It’s the tone gap.
There’s often a profound difference between the tone you intend and the one the receiver experiences. It can be critical because your tone can be an influence maker or an influence breaker.
That’s because when you receive an email, you assign the tone. You interpret whether the sender’s tone is helpful, dismissive, playful, snide, warm or cold. Now reverse it. When you send an e-mail, others do the same thing to you. As a result, you may be ticking people off left and right without realizing it. As an executive coach, I’m hearing tonal gap issues playing out with alarmingly increasing frequency. Good people are damaging relationships and being held back from leadership advancements because they’re unaware they’re alienating their bosses, peers and clients.
Here’s the thing: e-mail communication lacks the three human signals that indicate tone. 1) There’s no warmth of voice. 2) No body language. 3) No facial expressions. Faced with a lack of tone, people often assign your words the worst possible tone – especially if you happen to catch them when they’re under stress or in a grumpy mood. It’s particularly important when e-mailing people who don’t know you well enough to “hear” your voice accurately.
How can you prevent a tone gap? Make it a connecting habit to add intentional warmth. I don’t mean to pour on the syrup with fake, sticky-sweet e-mails. That would defeat my Talk Less, Say More mantra. Instead, three tiny tweaks can make an enormous difference in how people interpret your typing tone and boost your ability to influence.
Here are three quick tips to add intentional warmth:
Start with the person’s name. A simple personalized “Hi Les” or even just “Les,” signals that you’re thoughtful and respectful and don’t intend to cop an attitude.
Add a warm connecting sentenceto the top such as “Good to hear from you,” “Thanks for your quick response,” or “I appreciate your input.” Make a habit of re-reading your e-mails before hitting “send” and adding a connecting sentence. This can prevent your tone from coming across as blunt or dictatorial.
Sign off in a friendly manner with your first name, such as “Best regards, Elizabeth,” or “Thanks, Elizabeth.” Insert this before your signature file which generally contains your full name. Inserting your first name suggests a more personal, friendly tone.
The bottom line is this: we judge ourselves by our intentions, but we judge others by their actions. Make adding warmth an intentional connecting habit and you’ll tame the tone gap, come across as you want and achieve the results you desire.
I recently intereviewed Dr. Condoleezza Rice in front of a live audience gathered for a book signing of her newly-released memoir, “Extraordinary, Ordinary People.”
The former Secretary of State exceeded my high expectations during her public speaking opportunity.
Yes, she was a terrific interview and the book-signing crowd loved her – but you would have expected that. Media pros know how to bridge any question to a key message they want to deliver. She shared engaging stories about her parents, her recent experience accompanying diva Aretha Franklin on the piano, her love of football, and the most compelling people she met around the globe as the country’s top diplomat.
But what caught me off guard was her genuine warmth backstage in the greenroom prior to the interview. Some book critics have taken shots at Dr. Rice’s memoir, describing her writing as “aloof” and “distant.” As a result, I expected a brusque, all-business presence to sweep into the green room, impatient to move on with the evening.
Instead, Condi Rice was remarkably warm, thoughtful, and razor sharp. Upon learning my name, she even labeled us the “Connie and Condi” show. Despite her stature, influence and impact, she totally connected with every person in the room, from an intern to a pro athlete and NFL analyst.
Matter of fact, after the interview, the NFL analyst told me that Dr. Rice seemed to knows more about detailed football strategy than he does. Talk about influencing a discerning audience!
Donald Trump is my new wingman. Alright, I’ll be his wingman since he’s a lot richer than I am. Let me explain.
While channel surfing last night, I came upon The Apprentice on NBC. I was intrigued because just as I tuned in, one of the contestants was mangling a public speaking opportunity. (And you know that gets my attention as an executive communication coach.)
As a result of the awful presentation skills, the speaker blew the challenge for his entire team. They were left in the boardroom to face the axe.
Trump was livid. In a rare double firing, he canned not only the speaker with poor presentation skills, but the guy’s project manager, too. Why? Because the project manager didn’t require a rehearsal.
The entire team was caught off guard – and horrified – at how nervous and totally ineffective the guy was communicating in front of an audience. Especially because the guy volunteered to present, saying he was experienced and naturally good at it. Unfortunately, he didn’t bring his “A” game with him that night. Or even his “D” game, for that matter. He was unprepared and flustered. The more he buried his head in his laptop to read his notes word-for-word, (even mispronouncing words left and right) he more he tanked everything his teammates worked so hard for.
My point? Rehearsing presentations is critical. Poor public speaking reflects not only on you, but on everyone else whose hard work and reputations are on the line when you’re at the front of the room. You owe it to everyone to connect, convey, and convince your audience.
Thank you, Donald Trump, for the televised example of why bosses should require rehearsals when money and reputations are on the line. I owe you one.
Consider the fire hydrant’s purpose. Your neighborhood fire plug lets firefighters tap into the municipal water system to extinguish a fire. They attach a hose to the cast iron hydrant, screw open a valve and whoosh, out comes a powerful flow of water. Simple enough.
But have you ever considered how you might be using a fire hydrant habit when you communicate? Someone requests the communication equivalent of a sip of water but instead, you screw open a hydrant… and flood them with too much information.
Perhaps you launch into long-winded explanations when you’re asked simple questions. Maybe you send e-mails two screens long with five attachments. Perhaps you leave voice mails so lengthy that you get cut off by the beep.
If so, people are having frustrating experiences communicating with you and it’s damaging your credibility. People are probably avoiding communicating with you as a result. They see your name on caller ID and let it go to voice mail. They ignore your emails. They interrupt you constantly during presentations, meetings and other face-to-face interactions.
If you’re getting these outcomes, it’s time to stop the flow of blah, blah, blah. Here are a few ways to do it:
Think portion control
Aim for clarity, not confusion
Answer questions first, justify them second
Use shorter sentences
Send succinct, frontloaded e-mails
Use bullets instead of run-on sentences
Use visuals instead of text whenever possible
Present info narrow and deep, not wide and shallow
Be aware of the effect you have on people
Like a dieter counting calories, put yourself on a communication diet. We must all re-learn what a proper serving size is in today’s world where we’re bombarded with communications 24/7.
Once you overcome the fire hydrant habit, you’ll see that others seek your input and stay tuned in when you talk. Just as importantly, people will happily park themselves within six feet of you without the fear of being soaked by a data dump.
LeBron James and Dan Gilbert both damaged their global presence with their communications this week. LeBron’s theatrics were a narcissistic nightmare. Gilbert’s knee-jerk open letter was widely interpreted as an example of a sore loser.
At least Gilbert’s passionate response was fascinatingly transparent and straight from the heart. LeBron’s was purely from the head and didn’t ring true.
Here are seven ways that the man who covets a ring didn’t ring true during his televised hostage release:
Deceptive body language. LeBron did a poor acting job of trying to look humble, furrowed brow and all. His attempt to look “pained” backfired, resulting in him looking uncomfortable and lacking warmth. More importantly, LeBron’s lips gave him away. When he revealed his choice, he pursed his lips. The lips are among the most emotional parts of the body. Pursed lips are a sign of unvoiced emotion. He was being deceptive.
Ludicrous use of the phrase “humbling experience.” LeBron said the vetting process had been humbling for him. Nonsense. Humbling for the rich beggars forced to trek to LeBron’s chambers for their expensive dog-and-pony shows. Oh, the money that was wasted trying to lure LeBron. This experience was not humbling. It puffed him up like a popcorn kernel waiting to explode.
Implausible “I made the decision when I woke up this morning” storyline. This was a blatant, manufactured story in an attempt to justify the suspenseful dog-and-pony show. No one believes it, LeBron. You played everyone. The Three Musketeers knew this decision all along. You were just satisfying your ego and playing out your plan to build brand dominance.
The phony baloney backdrop at the Boys and Girls Club. There was nothing charitable about it. You should have held your hostage release at the University of Phoenix or Vitamin Water headquarters. Your clients were front and center. And yes, we noticed the Vitamin Water bottle beside you, label turned toward the camera, along with the vending machine strategically placed between you and Jim Gray. But funny thing – you never mentioned your OWN kids. Although asked repeatedly who factored into your decision, you never once mentioned your children or the girlfriend who’s raising your mini-me’s.
Using his mom as his accomplice. As a mother, it struck me as a cowardly move to say that your mother’s morning phone call blessing the South Beach destination sealed the deal. Take it like a man, LeBron. It was your decision, not hers. And why bring God into it? You’ve never mentioned the man upstairs before. Nice publicity for God, but it came across as out of character to the people who know you.
Speaking of himself in the third person. How arrogant to refer to himself as “LeBron James” and wanting to make “LeBron James” happy. Who does that, other than a narcissist? A simple “I” is how levelheaded people refer to themselves.
Being disrespectful of the Cavaliers. How cowardly that he didn’t call his team’s owner and give him two minutes of his time before he was dropped on live TV. That’s disrespectful, selfish, and speaks volumes about character.
We won’t even get into how cruel you were to your hometown fans, LeBron, because plenty has been written about this act of cruelty.
We learn who people really are by how they communicate in stressful situations. We reveal our core, instead of our cleaned up versions. At least Dan Gilbert gave us a window into his passionate heart. LeBron’s hometown, along with the world, witnessed the athlete’s narcissist communication. In his attempt to build global dominance, LeBron blew an opportunity to communicate sincerely and from the heart. His theatrics all came from the head. And a very inflated one at that.
You might be surprised at how many executives say they lack confidence in front of audiences and want to gain the skill.
Here’s a nerve-wracking experience that I keep in mind as I coach high-powered leaders who want to improve their presentation skills. It starts in my rear view mirror, back when I was sixteen years old. My high school business teacher entered me in the Future Business Leaders of America speech contest. First of all, you should know that I had never given a speech before. Secondly, I was raised in a humble family in a tiny Indiana farm town, so I had no clue what topic to choose for a business speech. I certainly didn’t have any compelling business nuggets that would rock Wall Street to its core.
As the deadline to select my topic approached, and with no sudden emergence of business acuity, I chose a simple, safe speech title: “Confidence is the Key.” Yes, I know – my topic choice was part lame, part prophetic.
When the day of the speech arrived, I stood before the audience in my self-styled seersucker suit with a homemade poster as my visual. The poster was canary yellow, featuring a giant black key that I’d cut out of construction paper and carefully glued next to my emphatic magic marker title. You get the level of sophistication. Unlike a James Bond Martini, I was shaken and stirred as I dug deep and delivered my heart-felt message. I’ll get to the outcome of the contest in a moment – it’s pertinent, I promise.
Luckily, my grasp of presentation skills has evolved a bit since high school, so here are a few secrets to help you become a remarkably confident communicator, despite your nerves:
Forget the underwear. The solution to overcoming nerves is not to picture the audience in their underwear – that’s a tired old tale. Instead, the smart solution is to shift your focus to serving the audience. Make this your new presentation mantra: the purpose of my presentation is the people. Thepeople. It’s not about creating killer slides. Not about seeing how much information you can cram in. Not about whether your mouth is dry or you’re sweating through your jacket. Your mission is to create a positive experience that will influence people to act. Shift your focus to serving the audience and an amazing transformation will happen.
Confidence is situational. If you think self-confidence and self-esteem are interchangeable words, hit the reset button. Confidence is the expectation of a positive outcome in a specific situation. It’s very different from self-esteem and your underlying sense of worth. The key to a confident presentation is to prepare for the specific situation. Smart preparation will help you wrestle your nerves to the ground. Expect a positive outcome in this one specific situation, prepare for it with a sound strategy, and you’ll achieve it. Every time.
Lacking confidence is selfish. You read that right. It sounds harsh, so let me explain. If you lack confidence in a presentation it means that you’re focusing your attention squarely on yourself. Everyone gets butterflies before presenting. I know I still do. But butterflies are actually a good sign because it means that you’re taking the presentation seriously. You have a choice: you can let the butterflies undermine the situation by focusing on your own feelings — or you can use them as an edge to redirect your focus and take your audience to a higher level.
Forget perfection – think excellence. Please understand that this is a huge statement coming from a recovering perfectionist. When you stop worrying about being flawless, people will start relating to you. Aim for excellence instead of absolute perfection. Truth be told, people see right through the illusion of perfection anyway and value genuine, relatable human beings, warts and all. Spewing endless, perfect factoids with a flawless style leaves people cold and that’s a confidence killer.
Don’t slip into “presentation mode.” Do you morph into a faux-heavyweight version of yourself when you present? Stay centered. You’re good enough. If there’s a glitch, stay light and handle it graciously or humorously. Turn mistakes into advantages. You’ll light a fire by aiming for people’s hearts, not their heads. Take the pressure off of yourself and see how much better people respond to you. Isn’t that the point of business communication – getting a positive response?
Since you’ve stuck around this long, I’ll share how my high school business speech contest ended. The sixteen year old mini-me surprised myself by winning the state and regional contests with my “Confidence is the Key” presentation. I then packed up my poster board and boarded my first-ever airplane to the national finals where I became the top loser in America. In other words, I was first runner-up nationwide. The judges chose an experienced eighteen year with big city business ideas as the top Future Business Leaders of America speech winner.
Rightfully so. The winning speech was content-rich and well-delivered. I learned that content and delivery are equally important to your success and I’m passionate about sharing the secrets to reaching this presentation nirvana with executives today.
Clearly, confidence is a key to business success. But I don’t recommend a goofy poster board.
Goldman Sachs executives were skewered on Capitol Hill this week. They were sach-ed. The men faced blistering cross examination by the Senate on the firm’s mortgage market and its role in the country’s financial collapse.
During their time on the hot seat, the current and former leaders, along with the prolific e-mail braggart known as “Fabulous Fab,” were lambasted with biting questions and criticism from outraged lawmakers. Unrepentant, resistant, and uneasy, the executives denied responsibility as lawmakers ripped into them.
Can you imagine handling that kind of fiery criticism? Many businessmen and women are fearful of being blasted in the workplace following presentations or even in team meetings.
As I’ve coached high-powered executives for the past decade, I’ve heard a recurring theme: the fear of criticism. It’s the fear that you’ll be judged harshly or won’t measure up to expectations. This fear is growing because we’re living in a world that encourages cheap shots. Snarky people abound on the Internet and otherwise, unleashing their inner Simon Cowell, judging others severely.
Here’s the problem: fear of criticism is like kryptonite to executives. It has a crippling effect, draining your power and influence. It can cause you to hold back instead of contributing. It may lead you to be defensive when well-meaning people offer constructive feedback. Or it may cause you to play it too safe and offer a vanilla version of what could have been a much more compelling contribution.
Even the most capable leaders can be crippled by a secret fear of criticism. Here are a few tips to help you overcome it:
Resist the temptation to be defensive. Do you often jump in and cut off criticism with a knee-jerk defensive reaction? If so, you may unwittingly escalate the situation. Cutting off tough critics often causes them to grow more determined. As a result, they may zap you even harder next time. Defensiveness and evasiveness can also turn off well-meaning allies.
Keep the criticizer’s intent in mind. Bosses, co-workers and others in your life may offer feedback because they want to help you. Their constructive feedback may be intended to help you improve your performance, not as a cheap shot or a grandstanding opportunity. Consider their true intent. Maybe they’re sharing wisdom from their own lessons learned. Is it possible you’re overly sensitive to criticism?
Ride the wave. One of the best approaches to handling criticism is to listen carefully and let the person finish completely. Resist the temptation to deflect point-by-point. By hearing their full point of view, you stand the best chance to uncover the real issue and correct what may need to be fixed.
Conquer your inner critic. Often, the critical voice in your head is carrying too much weight. It can be far worse than anyone else’s potshot. Give it a rest. Starting today, create a positive daily dialogue to overrule your habit of critical self-talk.
Don’t be an avoider. There’s an old saying, “To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.” Clearly avoidance isn’t the answer. Turn it around. Face it. Get the confrontation over with instead of dreading it all day. Often, reality isn’t nearly as bad as the situation you imagined and avoided.
Some people trace their fear of criticism back to childhood, when they experienced excessive criticism that’s gotten stuck in their head like a broken record. Others have received tongue-lashings from hypercritical bosses and had their confidence crushed.
Whatever its source, learning to conquer criticism gracefully is a sign of maturity and leadership.
It appeared to be an ambush worthy of the Kayne West Seal of Approval. Recently, an Academy Award winner was rudely interrupted mid-acceptance by a woman who appeared to big foot her way into his big moment. More than 41 million telecast viewers were confounded. Twitter and Facebook erupted with news of “the interrupter.”
Turns out, the interrupter was no interloper. She was his co-winner. Tangled in a credit-hogging turf war, the two had raced to the stage to get in the first word. He ran a lot faster. As she burst onto the glittering platform, she hijacked the microphone and cut him off before clutching her shiny statuette.
What does this case of communication-interruptus have to do with you?
Chances are someone has rudely interrupted you in the last 24 hours, if not the last 24 minutes. Interrupting is escalating. Cutting people off and talking over them has become the new norm in our demanding, impatient, instant gratification world. The Academy Award scene is playing out everywhere – in boardrooms, meeting rooms, lunchrooms, phone calls, even on Capitol Hill. Everybody wants to get a word in edgewise.
Isn’t it frustrating to be plowed over by someone who thinks the only voice worth listening to is his own? Beyond simple rudeness on the part of some communicators, I’d like to offer a few possibilities on why more people are cutting you off, how to prevent it, and how to handle those relentless, habitual interrupters.
Why it’s happening
Face it, some people are rude. But these old school interrupters are now joined by a new breed of interrupters: The Chronically Impatient. Buoyed by instant technology and addicted to speed, these pragmatic people are having a tough time tolerating long winded ramblers. The Chronically Impatient value time, clarity, and action and they want you to get to the point, pronto. If you dilly dally, they’ll either nudge you with a brief interjectory question or they’ll outright overpower you and butt in as if your words don’t matter.
How to prevent it
Sound confident. If you speak with conviction, people are more likely to show their respect by listening instead of dismissing your ideas and talking over you.
Don’t be long winded. Lengthy explanations invite interruptions, so get to your point quickly. One technique I lay out in Talk Less, Say More is to frontload your messages to meet people’s specific needs and values. Busy people want you to convey brief, meaty ideas so they can get back to the gazillion others things on their to-do lists.
Don’t hog the floor. Sometimes people interrupt because it’s the only way they feel they can get a word in edgewise. Do you dominate discussions? If so, that may induce interruptions. Watch for signals and be aware of when others want to contribute.
Stop speed talking. If you’ve ever received feedback that you’re a fast talker, chances are you’re often interrupted. Why? After all, you’re talking as fast as you can. Bingo. Some people can’t digest what you’re saying at a high rate of speed, so they cut in to catch up.
How to handle interrupters
Managing interrupters is situational. The first step is to figure out why people are cutting in. Are they rude or are you inadvertently inviting interruptions? If you feel it’s the other person’s fault, here are a few options to handle the situation:
The polite but firm “right back at ya.” Sometimes you must return the dirty deed with a polite retort, saying something like, “Excuse me, Debbie, but I didn’t get to finish. I’d like to add that…”
The private chat. If a problem persists, privately inquire, “Did you realize that you frequently interrupt me? Is there something I can do to help solve the issue?” Often, pragmatic people are used to being rewarded for being a contributor and they have no idea they’re hurting your feelings.
Establish meeting rules. In some office cultures, meetings are a free-for-all. If enough people are upset, why not work out a system for taking turns? Allot a time limit and seek contributions from everyone. If people know they’ll have an opportunity to talk, they’re more likely to wait their turn.
Keep right on talking.Dealing with a relentless interrupter who just won’t stop? The unconventional, last ditch approach of forging ahead with your sentence and adding more volume delivers a jarring and unmistakable message. It conveys that you’re sick of being rudely interrupted and you’re just not taking it anymore.
The world’s most famous athlete and a two-time presidential contender both torpedoed their careers with their self-destructive narcissism. Tiger Woods referred to his ego- maniacal state as a “sense of entitlement” in his televised mea culpa. John Edwards outed himself as a narcissist in an ABC interview after he was caught cheating on his cancer-stricken wife.
Perhaps there’s someone in your world who’s narcissistic. You may find it challenging to communicate with a person who’s grown accustomed to being puffed up by praise and attention. Surrounded by deferential people – their power walls adorned with plaques – they’ve become bloated versions of themselves. How do you get your message across to a person with an inflated ego?
Let’s back up for a moment. You may not have put a label on their behavior, but here are a few clues to help you identify the egomaniac in your life. You can often peg a narcissist by their:
grandiose sense of self-importance
self-absorption
sense of entitlement
impulsiveness
craving for excessive admiration
preoccupation with power
lack of empathy
judgmental, critical nature
belief that rules don’t apply to them
intolerance to setbacks or slights
explosive anger when frustrated
Know anyone like that? Let’s set aside their vanity (and their sexual vitality in the case of our two high-profile narcissists) and focus on their behavior towards YOU when they get frustrated. Ever been the target of a narcissist’s anger or condemnation? Their once-charming personality morphs into melt-down mode. They lob verbal grenades at you and howl at the moon. It’s painful to be on the receiving end of their demanding, demeaning behavior.
Here are 5 quick tips to help you communicate more effectively with a narcissist:
Give them options. Beneath their bluster, narcissistic people fear being left out of the loop. They crave control. It’s far better to offer them options to choose from, rather than feeding them ready-made decisions. They’ll tear other people’s decisions to shreds. Giving them options helps them feel respected and in control. It also prevents nasty hissy fits.
Focus on solutions, not problems. When you explain a problem or a challenge to a narcissist, direct attention to the solution. Don’t allow them to dissect the problem over and over again. Narcissists love drama and revel in the chaos. They’re easily agitated when frustrated. Define problems and present possible solutions, so they don’t smell blood in the water and tear you apart.
Make them the hero. Narcissists are preoccupied with power and truly believe they are special and unique. They live for attention and admiration. Want them to do something? Tell them how great they are at it and watch them perform. Better yet, praise their performance in front of others. Just keep it real, please.
Let them think it’s their idea. Narcissists often steal the credit for ideas that aren’t theirs. Why do they do that? Strangely, they truly believe that hijacked results are their own. Grabbing credit is a driving force for them. If this gets things done, I say learn to live with it. Over time, everyone will catch on – wink, wink. Meantime, graciously transferring credit for ideas to them makes things happen.
Manage their emotional blind spot. Egomaniacs lack empathy. They’re so caught up in their own world that it doesn’t occur to them to consider your feelings or viewpoints. It’s a huge blind spot. You must put your own feelings on the table if you choose to do so. Just be smart about sharing feelings with a narcissist. Brace yourself for the guilt trips and disparaging criticism that narcissists often dole out when others explain how they feel.
For those of you stuck in a tough relationship – either professionally or personally – I hope you’ll find these tips helpful and will pass them on to others who need them. I believe the key to communicating successfully with a narcissist is to smartly manage the relationship, not just cope with it.
Did you read the headlines? “Jackson Kids Steal the Show!” the news articles proclaimed, calling the appearance of Michael Jackson’s two eldest children the most memorable moment of the 52nd annual Grammy Awards Show.
What does this have to do with communication skills, you ask? Everything. In a room filled with big egos, these two young people nailed the three things that you must do as a 21st century communicator: they got attention, got to the point, and got results – and so can you. These skills are crucial whether you’re presenting your ideas to big egos, big wallets, or big knuckleheads.
This post is not about Michael Jackson’s kids on stage. Believe it or not, it’s about what you can learn from Michael’s approach to presentation skills that can transform and elevate your presentations forever. Turns out, Michael Jackson was not just a performer, he was the ultimate presenter. He was every bit as good or even better than the much-heralded Steve Jobs at presenting ideas that people respond to.
I was struck by what businesspeople can learn by watching the newly released video chronicling Michael’s stage preparations for his planned final shows in London, “This is It.” Here are 3 quick lessons:
1. The best presentations are built around your relationship with the audience
At the end of the film, you’ll see Michael and the crew gather in a large circle on stage. Director Kenny Ortega asks Michael to share a few words. Listen closely – what Michael says is the the stamp of a true presentation genius. He tells the crew that a successful show is not based upon the dance moves, or the special effects, or even on him. It’s a presenter’s relationship with the audience that matters most. Success is attained by the way you make people feel while they’re in your presence. Lesson: don’t get caught up in worrying about yourself or your slides during a presentation. Zero in on your relationship with the audience. Make their experience the king of the show and you’ll earn positive responses.
2. When you elevate others, everyone wins (including you)
Watch how Michael brings out the best in others. He stays gracious and kindhearted as he coaches the musicians, singers, and dancers during the rehearsals. He’s 100% clear on what he wants from others, yet he doesn’t come across as all high and mighty or a taskmaster. As a result, Michael Jackson draws the best possible performance out of everyone around him. Lesson: Stay relaxed, gracious, and humble at your presentations. Don’t let anxiety or pressure get the best of you. The most effective presenters are thoughtful, inspiring leaders who play well in the sandbox.
3. Who’s the one communicator you should listen to most?
Why there were so many hours of rehearsal footage filmed prior to the concert run? Michael Jackson studied the “dailies.” He knew that he was in the connecting business, so he wanted to see how his “presentations” would come across to audiences from the stage, even before the seats were filled. Chances are you hate to see yourself on tape. Heck, I avoided watching tapes of myself during many years in the broadcast TV business. But, ironically, as an executive coach I finally discovered the true power of videotaped assessments – they allow you to see the real you. As Michael Jackson clearly understood, there’s one communicator that you should listen to as much as possible – and that’s you. Study videotapes to hone your presentation’s content, your true voice, and your executive presence and you’ll earn a positive response from every audience.
Kraft Chairman and CEO Irene Rosenfeld is scrambling to persuade shareholders that her company’s $17 billion bid to buy British candymaker Cadbury is good for both companies. Her pursuit has drawn poor reactions from both Cadbury’s shareholders and Kraft’s biggest shareholder, Warren Buffett.
I’ll tie this career-defining move to the CEO’s habitual Tilt-A-Whirl head movements (see the photo on the right from a different event) in a moment. First, let’s get your head straight on the essentials.
Rosenfeld is seeking to transform the world’s No. 2 food company into an even bigger global juggernaut – but some feel she hasn’t hit the sweet spot with this takeover attempt.
After Cadbury complained that her price was too low, she told investors that she planned to issue new stock to help pay for the purchase. Buffett, America’s most influential investor, responded with a public smackdown; a press release warning her not to sell stock or increase her price lest it destroy value for Kraft’s shareholders. Don’t spend too much, he urged, as he tried to rein her in. She has until January 19 to make her final offer. Kraft shareholders will vote February 1 on whether to issue more stock. Cadbury stockholders will vote on February 2.
Now, in an effort to convince shareholders and save the deal, the 56-year old CEO is trying to placate both groups. Kraft has posted a video on its corporate website of Rosenfeld being interviewed by a British woman.
Her message in this video is influential but unfortunately, a distracting body language habit trumps the brilliant woman’s point of view. It’s a case of the eyes trump the ears. People must buy into the messenger before they buy into the message. Rosenfeld comes across as a human Tilt-A-Whirl, constantly tilting her head from side-to-side as she speaks. Left-right-left-right-left-right. In addition, in an apparent attempt to appear warm and likable, the CEO plasters on a smile throughout the interview, even when it’s not warranted.
Here are two quick presentation/media coaching tips to help you prevent undermining your executive presence with nervous body signals:
Avoid tilting your head. It looks coy and cute. It’s not a powerful professional move unless you happen to work on the Las Vegas Strip. If that’s not your line of business, keep your head on straight.
Plastered-on smiles don’t cut it. Yes, you’ve heard many times that you should smile, and in most cases you should. But here’s the real truth about smiling: If your smile doesn’t come across as genuine, it can backfire on you. Make sure your smile is heartfelt.
People monitor you for the signals you send. Project a balance of likability and credibility to hit the sweet spot. Don’t let nervous energy undermine your credibility. To learn more about how your energy level is tied to your ability to influence others, read chapter 12 of my book, Talk Less, Say More.
Top 10 Communi-lutions to Improve How People Respond to You In Our Distraction-Driven Decade
Most of us resolve to shed extra pounds, get out of debt, or be more organized as we strive to reinvent ourselves in the New Year. But as the odometer turns over for 2010, what if we focus on a more professionally profound improvement?
Why not resolve to improve how people respond to you? Think of it as your New Year’s “Communi-lutions.” After all, interpersonal communication is radically different in today’s information-overload, distraction-driven decade, so isn’t it time to upgrade your ability to sell your ideas and lead effectively?
Here are my Top 10 Communi-utions to influence your world in the decade ahead:
1.Stop Informing, Start Influencing
The most important communication resolution you can make this year is to transform from being informational to influential. Stop data dumping like a linear play-by-play announcer. Instead, convert into the analyst – the color commentator. Your goal should be to shape people’s understanding and actions, not to dispense information.
2. Stay in Their Moment
Conquer today’s endless distractions by managing your own attention first. Resolve to be right here, right now when speaking with others. Focus on meeting their needs and values, instead of being caught up in your own concerns. Scan for signals and listen for values.
3. Frontload
Don’t bury the lead.People are impatient and overloaded today. Quickly nail your big idea and marry it to what’s most relevant to your listener. People must grasp what’s in it for them – pronto – or they will tune you out. Frontloading your message is the antidote to rambling.
4. Use Goldilocks Candor
As a leader, you must get issues on the table in order to improve performance, so using the right level of candor is crucial. Think of it as a Goldilocks test:Not too hard, not too soft – it’s just right. Goldilocks candor prevents two common missteps: demoralizing and sugarcoating.
5. The Eyes Trump the Ears
Vision – the dominant sense – is a shortcut to clarity. Don’t create confusion with an avalanche of words. Use visuals instead of text whenever possible to help people analyze and understand new information, and integrate it quickly.
6. Talk in Triplets
Three is the world’s most powerful number because our minds crave information in multiples of three. If you want to ensure the clarity of a lengthy or complicated message, tap into the trilogy and use portion control by structuring your message around three key points.
7. Tell Stories
Stories have a longer shelf life than mind-numbing facts because they create mind pictures. Like a good movie, success stories and cautionary tales help others absorb, retain, and repeat your information and ideas.
8. Sound Decisive
Most people are surprised to learn that they don’t sound as decisive as they feel. Weak language and habitual hedging strip you of power. The language of leadership is decisiveness. It’s time to stop wavering and start firming up your communications.
9. Transfer Ownership
Let them own it and they’ll do it. People should feel as if they’re volunteering, not surrendering. A sense of self-discovery is often the difference between gaining commitment or compliance. Shift your ideas and decisions to others so they will embrace them and act.
10. Adjust Your Energy
People constantly monitor you for the signals that you send. Your vocal, facial, and body signals are crucial for a very powerful reason: reciprocity. People give back to you what you give to them. Most of us need an energy boost to balance likability and credibility, which generates commitment and action from others.
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onPoint Communication founder Connie Dieken transforms leaders into influential communicators. She’s the author of Talk Less, Say More, named a top business book for 2009. A former Emmy Award-winning TV news anchor, Connie is an inductee of the Radio/Television Broadcasters Hall of Fame, winner of a Top 10 Women’s Business Owners Award, and an in-demand keynote speaker. You can reach her at Connie@StayOnPoint.com.
The balloon boy’s dad, Richard Heene, thought he’d convinced America that his eccentric family should have its own reality show.
Instead, he got a reality check.
Why? We were on to him, suspicious of his communication style from the get-go. The circumstances leading up to the Jiffy Pop balloon escapade were telling: the Wife Swap appearances. The rant-filled video of the balloon release. The former colleagues calling Heene a narcissistic attention-seeker.
Dad got precisely the attention he didn’t want when his non-balloon boy opened his mouth on live TV. Falcon revealed what six year olds often do – the truth. “You said we did it for the show,” he replied to dear old dad, talking too much.
Whoops. The family’s alibi just floated away.
So what does this have to do with you in the workplace? Everything. We’re living in a skeptical world. Even when you try to convince others to buy into your ideas and decisions legitimately, people are suspicious they’re being duped. The more you talk, the less they believe. The new default status is to assume that people are pulling a fast one.
In my new book, Talk Less, Say More, I lay out the three habits you need to influence others successfully in our demanding 21st century world. The 3 habits are to Connect-Convey-Convince®. Heene’s stunt soared through the first two habits by engaging and laying out a strong storyline, but his balloon popped as he attempted the third and trickiest habit, to convince.
First, let’s get clear about what I mean by convincing, which is very different from manipulating. The difference is intent. Manipulators like Richard Heene focus on their own needs and theirs alone. They’re determined to get their way, regardless of their impact on others. They’ll steamroll, lie, or talk too much in order to get what they want. Ultimately, a manipulator’s story doesn’t ring true, so he/she fails to convince.
It’s a tremendous challenge to influence behaviors, decisions and actions in today’s skeptical world. Here are three strategies to help you convince honestly and successfully:
Sound decisive. Stop babbling and backpedaling. Caught in a tangled web when his son outed him, Heene started backpedaling. He stalled as he tried to come up with an plausible answer as to why Falcon said, “we did it for the show.” With the evidence mounting against him, dad’s balloon of confidence deflated. He sidestepped by blaming the media, and he came across as deceptive.
Transfer ownership. You need peer power in order to convince others to buy in. That means you must shift your ideas and decisions to others so they’ll embrace them. Did Heene have peers in his life who backed him up? No. One by one, former colleagues stepped forward to trash the guy. They essentially called him a media whore. His peers weren’t convinced that he was telling the truth, so we weren’t either.
Adjust your energy. It’s critical to choose the right energy level for the situation. Mom and pop Heene seemed to have hit the sweet spot for the 911 call and the ensuing police visit at the house. The cops who monitored the family on lift-off day thought the Henne family got the verbal and body language right. But they couldn’t sustain it. Why? Energy feeds on itself. Once the Heene’s went off-script, they were done in. Turns out the “amateur scientist” was also an amateur actor. Dad’s body language when young Falcon talked too much on CNN was a giant red flag. Dad’s face, body and tone of voice changed drastically and revealed that he was lying.
Heene’s plan to land a reality gig crash landed, and not nearly as gently as the Jiffy Pop balloon in the newly-ploughed field. Instead of facing reality TV cameras, Heene and his wife are now facing federal charges. Bottom line? Convincing is not a thunderbolt event. It’s not a once-and-done episode. It’s a sequence of events that unfolds incrementally, earning others’ trust and respect. And that’s not hot air.
How you communicate a message has a direct impact on your ability to influence opinions.
Here’s my quick summary of the brilliance and blind spots of David Letterman’s attempt to influence public opinion with the news of his sexual relationships and extortion plot, based on a sequence of 3 habits: Connect, Convey, Convince® from my new book, Talk Less, Say More:
Habit 1 – Connect Definition: Capture attention – give people what they want and value so they tune in to you.
This is where Letterman excelled because America is clearly engaged by his story. His brilliance at connecting was twofold. 1) He claimed home court advantage by getting out front and defining the story as an extortion case, instead of letting other media define it based primarily on the sexual affairs. 2) He stayed in his comfort zone by delivering the bad news on his own TV show, behind his familiar desk, in front of a devoted (if completely perplexed) audience. Like most performers, the late night comic is more in command, at ease, and less anxious connecting in a studio than anywhere else.
Habit 2 – Convey Definition: Manage information – get your points across with clarity, not confusion.
Letterman’s attempt to positively influence his audience came to a screeching halt at this step for two reasons. 1.) He withheld the salient details, so we’re all left scratching our heads wondering, “Who? When? Where?” His failure to provide pertinent points has a creep factor to it. Some people are asking, “Isn’t that sexual harassment for the boss to have sex with his staff?” “When did this go on?” “Was he married at the time?” “Was it with interns?” He gave the story legs by not addressing these concerns. Chances are, his lawyers admonished him to “Talk Less.” 2.) He confused the audience by mixing in jokes with his admission. The audience couldn’t discern whether it was a joke or whether it was a serious matter, so they laughed inappropriately at times. I do give Letterman credit, however, for specifically acknowledging that he had sex with women who work for him on the show. At least he didn’t pull a Clinton. He admitted to pulling down his World Wide Pants. (Ironic name for his company, isn’t it?)
Habit 3 – Convince Definition: Manage Action – win commitment and move people to act or believe now.
Letterman showed a gaping blind spot in his attempt to convince one audience, but he was powerfully effective at influencing a second audience, which was likely his primary concern. Let’s look at them separately:
Audience #1: The general public. Letterman failed to convince mainstream America that they should stay committed to him as a genial talk show host. He risked losing the trust of many Americans because he could now be seen as “that guy” – the serial cheater. He also comes across as a hypocrite for denouncing other mens’ affairs in his monologues.
Audience #2: the Manhattan district attorney’s office. Letterman scored a home run with this audience. He convinced the D.A. to set up a very quick sting, which lead to the arrest of a fellow CBS employee on charges of attempted grand larceny in the first degree. He got the district attorney’s office to commit to act on the extortion charge and they followed through beautifully.
How will this all play out? It depends upon many factors, including whether Letterman’s sexual partners come forward, what they reveal, whether his wife reacts publicly, and whether the alleged extortionist, “48 Hours” producer Joe Halderman, cops a plea or chooses to go to trial and unearth other facts in the case.
But in the court of early public opinion, winning a mixed judgment on a case as explosive as this is a blessing. Under the circumstances, the approach seems to have worked in Letterman’s favor. At the very least, the talk show host was influential enough to put an alleged blackmailer in the hot seat right next to him.
You’ve been leading a high priority mission for months. You’ve pushed. Prodded. You’ve influenced internally because you believe it’s the most vital issue facing your organization. Your team has invested sweat equity and they’re counting on you to make it happen publicly.
At last, it’s time to present your idea to an audience and influence others to take action. So what happens when you finally stand before your audience and take your swing at bat?
You get hijacked during Q&A.
It happened to the President of the United States on his home turf last week. At the end of his prime time health care news conference, Barack Obama answered a hot button question that was totally off-topic. Instead of asking about health care, a reporter asked the president what he thought of the confrontation between Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge police officer James Crowley. The president weighed in with his opinion on race relations, ending with the tantalizing words “acted stupidly.”
Bingo! Home run for the reporter! She’d successfully hijacked a presidential press conference. If this was a game of chess, she’d just pulled a capture: removing the opponent’s piece or pawn from the board by taking it with one’s own. The president’s health care headline was toast. Now, the headlines were commandeered to scream of the 3 P’s: the president, the professor and the police.
This is a living, breathing reminder to all of us to be mindful of Q&A so that our message doesn’t become part of an opportunistic takeover – friendly or hostile.
Here are a few tips to help ensure that you don’t hijack your own influence during Q&A:
Don’t answer too quickly. If the question is off-topic and hot button, don’t allow yourself to be hijacked. Gently but firmly respond that the question is important but it’s off-topic and will be best addressed during a more appropriate occasion. Offer a specific time when you will provide a thoughtful answer. The key is that you shouldn’t appear to be dodging the question. You’re simply deferring it to a more appropriate time and place.
Keep your answer brief. The more you talk, the more likely you are to get caught up in your underwear and say something you’ll regret. Long answers often lead to an unfortunate choice of words (think “acted stupidly”) that can bite you in the backside. Talk less, but say more.
Bridge back to your key points. The purpose of your presentation is to influence your audience and drive them to action. Never forget that. Use the audience’s questions to reinforce your key points, not to steer the boat in a completely different direction.
Don’t let Q&A be the final word. Always have two closings. 1) The one that ends your prepared remarks before Q&A, and 2) the one that wraps everything up after Q&A. End with power and a strength of conviction that your message is high priority and actionable.
Plan for hot topic tie-ins. You shouldn’t be surprised in today’s “anything goes” society. Think current events. What’s on people’s minds? Prepare, prepare, prepare.
As a communication coach, I guide senior executives in their high-profile presentations. As the day of their presentation draws near, I shift our focus from delivery of their key messages to preparation for high stakes Q&A. I ask every relevant question that I believe their audience might ask to ensure that the executive is influential in driving the ball forward, not backwards. Then, I slip on my broadcaster’s cap and link their topic to other hot-button topics. This is an eye-opening exercise for executives who tell me it has saved them from embarrassment, being at a loss for words, saying something they’d later regret, and a loss of leadership influence. It boosts their confidence to handle anything that comes their way.
My inner Girl Scout constantly whispers the motto “Be prepared” in my ear. Never has that been more essential than in today’s loosey-goosey world of Q&A.
Nearly 10 million people tuned in for a record-shattering season premiere of Jon & Kate Plus 8 this week. I’ll tie this to you in the workplace in a moment — I promise there’s a business communication connection. The tension was palpable as the bickering couple, caught up in the cheating chatter, came together for their sextuplets’ fifth birthday party.
We’re talking frozen tundra frosty. Ultra-chilly. These two were so cold, the cameras needed de-icing.
Jon and Kate scooched as far apart on the couch as possible, closed off to each other, sending undeniable signals that they’re miserable and their relationship is on the rocks.
Despite trying to play nice for the cameras, their body language revealed that they’re merely doing what they have to do to earn a paycheck. “Kate and I are going through some stuff,” said a glum-looking Jon. You think?
That’s where YOU come in. Are you going through some stuff in the workplace? Is there someone who gets under your skin and, despite your best intentions to hide your true feelings, your irritation or loathing is showing more than you want it to?
Your body talk sends messages that people decode. They size you up in seconds and draw conclusions about whether you’re credible, likable, or trustworthy. Despite the words you choose, people are first influenced by “hearing” your body language. Before they’ll believe your words, they must first buy into your body talk.
Here are a few body language tips from my upcoming Talk Less, Say More book to help you come across at your best:
Fight the urge to close yourself off. Your instinct is to move away from a person whom you secretly despise. Fight it. It won’t be a secret if you point your body in the opposite direction. Remind yourself to unlock your arms, look at them with as much warmth as you can muster, and conquer your desire to ice, ice baby.
Avoid Code Red. Discover what specific situations or people trigger an elevated state of anxiety or anger and learn to manage your behavior during these situations. You can’t control the other person’s actions, so focus on managing your own. Don’t damage your career by being the person who’s known for giving someone else the cold shoulder or for crumbling under pressure. Don’t just cope with the situation. Own it.
Keep it real. Gestures and movements are most effective when they’re a natural extension of the feelings you’re trying to express. But they will undercut your message it if they come across as forced, fake or harsh. Match your movements to the intensity you want to project and they’ll work to your advantage.
Conquer your mannerisms. Unlike gestures that you do intentionally, mannerisms are the unconscious movements that you make, often in anxious situations – like touching your nose, twirling your hair or scratching your neck. Ask someone you trust to reveal your habitual mannerisms so you can be aware of them and control them when you’re dealing with difficult people.
Don’t stifle positive gestures. Some people mistakenly believe they talk with their hands too much. That’s rare. If your arm movements distract from your words, then yes, they can be too much. But most gestures are heartfelt and congruent with your words so therefore, they help to improve your energy level. (Just don’t gesture with a one-finger salute, of course!)
We can’t love everyone we work with, so uncomfortable situations are bound to happen to you, either with co-workers or clients. Hopefully, there won’t be TV cameras recording your every move for ten million people to judge. But in this age of Twitter, cell phones that videotape, and YouTube, you never know who’ll be tuned in next….
The difference between winning and losing may come down to how people perceive the sound of your voice.
As a broadcaster, I spent many years in recording studios. I was astounded to learn there was a major difference between how my voice sounded inside my head…and the way it sounded when the engineer played back the recording. I didn’t come across nearly as energetic or upbeat as my voice sounded in my head. Instead, I sounded flat and bored. I had to learn to boost my energy level to compensate.
The same is likely true of your voice. You may be coming across as bored, disinterested, stiff or icy – even when you don’t intend to. Why is this critical? Because it has a direct impact on how others respond to you and your leadership.
Let’s take your outgoing voice mail message as a quick barometer. Ever listen to it? Most of us think the recording is distorted and doesn’t sound like us. We assume we sound much better in real life.
Sadly, we’re dead wrong.
Today’s digital doesn’t lie. The recording is far more accurate than the voice you hear inside your head. That’s because you have a distorted perception of how you sound. Why? Your head acts as an echo chamber. Your bones reverberate when you talk, so your voice sounds bigger, louder and more energetic inside your head than it does when it mixes with oxygen and others hear it.
Worried that you aren’t coming across well? Here are a few tips to help you stop repelling and start attracting with your voice:
Use vocal variety. Don’t hypnotize or lull people to sleep by speaking in the same continuous tone. Sameness is the death of any speaker. Switch it up. Use all the range in your voice – highs, lows, and mid-tones.
Shift the speed. Speed is another energy indicator. A constant rhythm is a sedative to the ears. Don’t drone on at the same pace. Shift between faster and slower speeds.
Use shorter sentences. Some people sound boring because every sentence they speak is long. Toss in shorter sentences as often as you can. You’ll be amazed at how this breaks the monotony and makes people sit up and take notice.
Use the “Power Pause.” After you make an important point, let it breathe. Don’t rush to fill the silence. People are intrigued by momentary silence, so throw in what I call the “Power Pause” when you need to command attention. Let a point sink in and you’ll gain power.
Thin is not in. Your voice is shaped by breath support. Breathing too shallowly and speaking from the throat creates a thin, weak voice. Instead, breathe deeply from your diaphragm. Go to the gut. It can make your voice sound richer, more powerful, and a full register lower.
Check your intensity. Sometimes you need to tone it down and not come on too strong – especially if you’re delivering bad or unwelcome news. Match your energy level to the specific situation.
Energy boosts likability, which is a key ingredient to generate commitment from others. Likability forms the framework for the rest of the signals people gather about you and the ideas that you communicate.
So improve your voice – and you’ll improve your ability to influence and make things happen.
You’re a smart person. The axe is falling on leaders everywhere and you want to come across as valuable and indispensable, right? Here’s a quick cautionary tale to bullet-proof your credibility, straight from your TV.
Time for a how-not-to-do-it lesson from Jim Cramer, the host of CNBC’s Mad Money.
Did you see Cramer get smacked down by Jon Stewart on The Daily Show this month? The normally effusive Cramer transformed into a whipping boy, seriously undermining his credibility. After the smoke cleared, Cramer blamed his wimpy performance on his upbringing, saying he was raised “to take the high road.”
Jim, Jim, Jim. Think again. You allowed yourself to be mugged.
In today’s world, taking “the high road” means protecting your credibility (your brand) as well as that of your organization in a smart, thoughtful manner. A successful appearance either: A) enhances the brand, or B) protects the brand. If your integrity is being attacked, you must protect yourself or risk being roadkill. Let’s review where Cramer went wrong so you can avoid the same fate, whether you’re meeting the media or taking Q&A at a meeting:
Cramer agreed to a TV interview clearly billed as a “confrontation.” A duel. In that context, Stewart’s performance was dead-on. Cramer’s was dead-on-arrival.
A smackdown scenario could happen to you with an adversary, known or otherwise, in today’s one-up, know-it-all world. Here are two things you should not do:
Don’t underestimate your opponent. Cramer pegged Jon Stewart as a late night comedian. A panty-weight opponent. Wrong. Jon Stewart is an ultra-smart, uber-influential man with a forum to express his viewpoints, for which he’s very passionate. Advice: Know thine enemy. Better to overestimate their savvy than underestimate it.
Don’t think you can just “wing it.” For a prognosticator, Cramer was spectacularly short-sighted. Lack of preparation against an opponent is a death wish in today’s connected world. Cramer didn’t do his homework – he had no key messages. Thus, he had no influence. Stewart was locked and loaded: Cramer was shell-shocked. Advice: Be prepared to defend your point of view – deeply, clearly and influentially. Don’t allow yourself to be blind-sided and thrown off your game.
Wasn’t it amazing how Cramer groveled and went down in flames? The same thing could happen to you if you’re not prepared. Plenty of leaders are getting skewered – and damaged – by today’s empowered, informed audiences.
Bottom line – when profitability is on the line, you cannot “wing it” anymore. The best-prepared leader wins.
Take this to the bank: Poor preparation leads to poor outcomes, especially in a tough economic climate. Don’t become a casualty.
As a communication coach for leaders, I should send Jim Cramer a thank you card for painfully demonstrating my point.
Let’s say you get 100 e-mails a day. (Everybody wants to “keep you in the loop.”) Do you realize how much of your time that’s eating up? At 3 minutes a piece, it takes you 5 hours to read and respond. 5 solid hours! No wonder you’re having trouble getting things done – you’re stuck in e-mail jail.
Ready to tame this time-sucker? It’s time to practice better word of mouse.
Starting today, let people know that you’re adopting a new policy to help everyone lighten the load. You’ll gradually train others to stop overloading you with e-mails. But it starts with you. The better you send, the better you receive.
Here are the 10 Worst E-Mail Mistakes and how to correct them before sending your next e-mail:
Using email as your automatic weapon. Don’t impulsively tap away just because e-mail is your favorite method. Pick up the phone or -gasp- actually talk face-to-face with someone again. This can speed things up considerably for both of you. Also, don’t assume that people have read what you sent them 3 hours ago. If you’re sending time-sensitive or critical information, use the dual format: follow your e-mail with a brief, heads-up confirmation call.
Wimpy or lazy subject lines. Use the subject line to briefly summarize important content. Make it meaningful and timely to the recipient because most of us scan the subject lines in order to decide whether we’ll open, forward or trash incoming messages. Don’t leave the subject line blank or write wimpy, generic subjects like “FYI,” “The File You Requested,” or “Project Update.” Be more specific and actionable. And don’t be lazy and keep replying with the same subject line. Refresh your subject line as the subject changes.
Burying the lead. It’s rude to force someone to wade through 2 screens of information before you get to the action that you’re requesting. If you want to get things done, say so in the first paragraph. Frontload your e-mail with what matters most. Think newspaper headline. Lead with what’s new and what you want the reader to absorb and act upon.
Long-winded messages. Try to whittle your e-mail down to one screen or less because most people don’t read past the first page. Plus, we often hit “reply” before we finish reading the whole thing, anyway. If you have several items to convey, create a list. Number or bullet your points so they jump off the screen and are easy for the reader’s brain to process. Be as pithy as possible. Brevity leads to quicker, better responses.
Habitual High Priority! flagging. We all know the story of the boy who cried wolf, don’t we? Overusing the High Priority! flag makes you that boy. Just because it’s important to you does not make it important to the recipient. Think fire drill. The flag means that information is time-sensitive and needs action straight way. It’s not a status symbol or power play. Don’t use it to convey “The boss’s name is in here, so open it now!” or “We have a new employee!”
Tone deafness. E-mail is a magnet for misunderstandings. Sometimes we send words that unintentionally rub others the wrong way, depending upon your current frame of mind – or theirs. When people misread your tone, “You’ve got mail!” can morph into “You’ve got trouble!” Gut check your e-mails: how would I interpret this if it landed in my in-box? Also, refrain from sending or responding to emotional e-mails in the workplace. Sending an e-mail is like sending a postcard. If you wouldn’t want it pinned to the bulletin board, don’t send it.
Copying too many people. Copying lots of people habitually is a heinous crime. Ask yourself: “Why am I sending this to each recipient?” Let people know at the start of the message specifically what they should do with it. Do they need to make a decision? Is action required? Or is it just for awareness? If it’s just to cover your butt, don’t send the copy. As for BCC, (blind carbon copy) its purpose is to protect individuals’ e-mail addresses when sending bulk messages, not to send stealth, sneaky copies. As for “Reply All,” it’s usually an oops! mistake. Rarely do you need to reply to everyone unless you enjoy grandstanding or power trips.
Grammar and misspellings. Reading from a screen is more difficult than reading from paper. Use standard capitalization and spelling. don’t use all lower case – it signals laziness. DON’T USE ALL CAPS – IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE SHOUTING! Make your e-mail personal by adding a greeting at the top. Skip lines between paragraphs. (White space is good.) And always proofread. If an e-mail is really important, print a copy to proof it. You’ll often catch mistakes on paper that you didn’t notice on the screen.
Forwarding without editing. Don’t just forward e-mails intact if the recipient didn’t intend for their thoughts to be passed along. Do a little triage to make it appropriate for the recipient. Edit out any personal comments that could get the original sender in trouble.
Sending unwanted attachments. Your goal is to reduce the number of steps that your recipient must take in order to act upon your message, right? Then don’t bog them down. When possible, copy and paste the most relevant passages into the body of the e-mail. Besides, you can bring down an entire e-mail system with a file that’s too large or virus-laden, and some systems automatically remove attachments, anyway.
Finally, a bonus habit since you made it this far. (Promise you won’t hyperventilate at this suggestion?) Stop checking your e-mail obsessively. Turn off the “auto-check” feature that pings every few minutes, and limit yourself to checking e-mail a few times a day. (BlackBerry readers excluded.) You’ll give yourself breathing room to focus and get things done again.
It’s time to stop letting the tail way the dog. Grab control of your send & receive habits and you’ll write your own chapter of Send & Sensibility.
We’re living in a harsh, harsh world. I’m sure you’ve noticed that you can now get a daily dose of cheap shots here on the Internet. Follow the comment section after most web entries and you’ll find boatloads of hyper-critical, snarky comments. Turn on your TV and there it is again – the Simon Cowell effect – people openly judging and grading others harshly. Ouch.
As I’ve coached high-powered clients recently, I’ve been struck by a recurring, performance-draining concern that leaders share with me (and one I’ve faced, too) that craters confidence: fear of criticism. The fear that you won’t measure up to expectations and will be judged severely as a result.
Fear of criticism is like kryptonite to a leader.
It’s a powerful deterrent that drains your confidence and power. Sometimes your biggest critic is your own inner voice. Sometimes it’s others’ ruthless opinions. Either way, it leads to one of three depleting communication styles:
Holding back instead of contributing, in order to avoid having your ideas criticized
Being overly-defensive when well-meaning people offer useful suggestions, or
Playing it too safe by communicating a boring, vanilla version of your ideas instead of aiming for outstanding.
Most leaders tell me their fear of criticism pre-dates the Internet. Some trace it back to childhood, when they experienced excessive criticism that stuck in their heads like a broken record. Others say they witnessed tongue-lashings in the workplace and fear receiving the same fate, which causes them to lack confidence and reduce risks.
As an executive communication coach, I’ve learned there’s no connection between competence and confidence. Even the most capable leaders can be crippled by the secret fear of criticism. Here are a few tips to help you overcome it:
Forget perfection, think excellence. High performers often strive for flawless, which means aiming for the impossible. Think excellence, instead, to get over that self-limiting hurdle. Give yourself permission to be your best at this moment, not the best of all time.
Switch your focus from internal to external. You don’t want to hear this, but ego is involved. Often, a fear of criticism reveals that you’re too concerned with what others think of you. Turn it around. Manage your thoughts to concentrate on meeting your receiver’s needs, not on how they may be sizing you up.
Don’t be an avoider. Criticism doesn’t have to actually occur to cause anxiety or injury. Perhaps that critical voice in your head is carrying too much weight. Learn to face your fears. Starting today, create a positive inner daily dialogue to overrule and replace your hypercritical self-talk.
Keep the criticizer’s goal in mind. Some bosses, clients and others may offer criticism because they want to help you perform at the top of your game. Their feedback may be intended solely to improve your performance, not to take a personal shot. Perhaps they’re sharing the wisdom of lessons learned.
Resist the temptation to become defensive. Do you jump in and cut off criticism with knee-jerk reactions? If so, you may escalate the situation. Tough critics can grow more determined to zap you again next time. And in these cases, there will be a next time. Stay open-minded.
Ask for clarification. One of the best aproaches to handle criticism is to listen carefully, let the person finish, and then ask for specific clarifications. That way, you hear their full point of view and stand the best chance to correct what’s may need to be fixed.
Learning to conquer criticism gracefully is a sign of leadership and maturity. It communicates respect – both for yourself and the others who share their viewpoints.
Just don’t fall into the trap of doling out cruel criticisms youself. Shallow criticism without direction is a useless power play.
Out with the old, in with the new. As we say goodbye to George Bush and his colorful, sometimes mangled communications, (can you say misunderestimated?) we usher in a new era of oratory.
We’re shifting to a new Communicator-in-Chief. What do I mean by this? A Communicator-in-Chief is a leader whose messages are so pragmatic, on point, and invigorating that his words spark immediate actions. His/her messages unite, inspire and challenge others to reach their collective highest performance. Communicators-in-Chief make things happen. President Bush was at the top of his game when, with a bullhorn to his lips and a firefighter at his hip, he stood atop the rubble in New York City after 9/11 and rallied our country. Barack Obama promises to be an exceptional Communicator-in-Chief, which I’ll get to in a moment.
First, let’s focus on you. Are you a Communicator-in-Chief? You are if your job depends upon making things happen through others. There are three habits you must master to reach your highest performance:
You must connect engagingly. It’s essential to engage others straight away in today’s distraction-driven, short attention span world. People tune out quickly today. You’ll attract and earn people’s attention by frontloading your communications with what’s truly relevant and matters most to them.
You must convey clearly. We’re living in an information-overload society. Tossing too many facts and figures around is like adding empty junk food calories to your diet. Junk words dilute your message and lead to confusion, not clarity. You must make a conscious choice to pare down your words and deliver shorter, more visually stimulating messages if you want people to retain the information you share.
You must convince specifically. It’s not the talk that matters, it’s the action. It’s critical that you be ultra-specific about the step you want people to take. Now is not the time for assumptions or vagueness. What, precisely, do you want others to do? Make your viewpoint or request utterly actionable because that’s the key to making things happen without delay in our busy world.
Develop these three habits and you’ll set in motion a transformative process to ensure that people listen to you, understand you, and take action. (These are the principles in my forthcoming book, Talk Less, Say More, which will be in bookstores this fall.)
Incoming President-Elect Barack Obama has so far been an extraordinary Communicator-in-Chief which, ironically, his detractors hold against him. His critics call him “Mr. Podium.” They argue that he merely talks a good game. I’m not buying that. While I agree that blowhards are not true leaders, from what I’ve seen, Obama’s no blowhard. His words are based on visions that are implemented to unite and inspire action. Isn’t that the opposite of empty rhetoric? Far from merely talking a good game, if you communicate your visions effectively, action is the endgame.
Top Communicators-in-Chief also choose interactive formats to help others feel invested and make their messages people-powered. In 2009, YouTube is the new fireside chat. LinkedIn is the new press release. Bloggers are the new reporters. Tweeters are the new cheerleaders. Barack Obama’s team wisely used interactive tools to unite and invite voters to the polls. Even better, his incoming administration is promising to remake the stodgy White House website to invite citizens’ feedback.
What about you? Are you using the right tools to communicate your messages in the 21st century … or are you stuck in one-way, old-school memo style? Your messages can trigger immediate feedback in the Age of Input which, if you’re smart, will supplement and improve your decision-making.
My challenge to you is this: develop your skills to inspire, unite, and move others to action. Choose a communication habit to improve (connect, convey, or convince) and write down 3 things you’ll start doing immediately to master the habit. Take these steps, and you’ll be on your way to becoming an exceptional Communicator-in-Chief.
I feel sorry for cashiers these days. Not just because their work flow soars during the holiday rush, but because they’re on the receiving end ofnon-stop rude encounters. One by one, customers are now yakking away on cell phones during check-out.
You’ve seen it happen. The person in front of you is laying her items on the counter when her cell phone rings. She digs through her purse, answers it, gives the cashier the “wait” salute with her index finger, and then proceeds to blab away with an invisible friend about something trivial. Everyone behind her is delayed when the cashier, who has a question, can’t complete the transaction. Or, if the cashier can finish the transaction, the cell phone blabber merely grabs the receipt and strides away. No thank you to the real, live person who just helped her. The blabber seems totally oblivious to anyone else’s feelings or needs.
This behavior is inconsiderate, disrespectful and selfish. It treats cashiers like second class citizens, which they’re not, and forces all of us to listen to silly conversations. I’ve been polling cashiers recently to see how often this happens to them. Sadly, they say it’s relentless.
The bottom line is that cell phone calls in public are not merely a two-person activity. We drag others in when we blab away in grocery aisles, restaurants, airplanes, book stores and movie theaters. The boundaries of privacy have been blown as people yak away anywhere and everywhere. I think all this cell phone blabbing is bothersome and inappropriate. How about you? What bugs you most?
There’s a simple guideline that I’ve taught my children that may apply here: just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. In this case, just because it rings, doesn’t mean you should answer. (Unless it’s an emergency, of course.) If your “private” conversation will interrupt or be inconsiderate to others who are present, please resist the urge to chat away just because it’s good for you. Some restraint is in order – that’s why there’s voice mail.
When I picked up my 15 year old daughter from an activity this week, I saw her standing there, waiting for me, tapping away at her cell phone. “Who were you texting?” I asked cheerfully as she slid into the car. “No one,” she replied, “I was just faking it.”
Are you nodding your head right now? My teenager clued me in on a growing trend: I’ll call it the chronic communi-faker. Whenever teens feel awkward in public, they whip out their phones and pretend to be engrossed in text messaging.
Now think about this. Haven’t you pretended to make or take a cell phone call in order to avoid speaking face-to-face with someone? Gen Y simply skips the counterfeit conversation…they let their fingers do the faking. And they don’t just communi-fake to avoid talking. They use it as impression management.
In today’s wired world, we all want to appear actively engaged with others, even when we’re not. We want others to think we’re connected, so we don’t feel like lonely losers. Boomers instinctively pull our phones to our ears. Younger generations tap, tap, tap.
I coached three groups of clients in presentation skills this week, so I used the opportunity to poll plenty of professionals about their experiences with communi-faking. EVERYONE, every single person, admitted to being a communi-faker. Even CEOs. Let’s see if you relate to the 5 most common reasons why people told me they communi-fake:
“To avoid talking to someone I don’t want to speak with.”
“So I don’t feel self-conscious about being alone.”
“To ditch a pushy salesman or a boring conversation.”
“I’m addicted to my phone – I feel naked if I’m not using it.”
“For protection in a parking lot.”
Using a phone as a parking lot protector seems sensible, as long as you stay aware of what’s happening around you. But don’t the other reasons strike you as dodging or ditching face-to-face conversations, or of being insecure?
Bottom line: communi-faking shows we have a primal need to connect with others, which I take as a positive sign. Score one for the human race. But face-to-face communication skills are plummeting as we avoid true engagement. Ironically, as we fake-connect, we’re disconnecting by tuning others out.
Plus, there’s always this concern with communi-faking: what if your phone rings when you’re on a faux call?
Like you, I’ve paid close attention to Barack Obama. As a communication coach, I’ve specifically zeroed in on his ability to get his points across and move people to action.
From a communication perspective, Obama won the race because he successfully applied 3 habits. They’re simple, but profound habits: He connected. He conveyed. He convinced.
These habits are a playbook for business leaders around the world. I could write a book on them. Matter of fact, I have. Talk Less, Say More is scheduled to be released in 2009. Let me summarize these habits quickly by highlighting just a few ways that Obama applied them successfully:
Habit #1: Connect. One of the biggest issues facing any leader today is to engage people in our distraction-driven, listening-impaired, short attention span world. Barack Obama’s campaign connected with what Americans wanted and valued most. He stayed in our moment and tapped into our hot-button issue, the economy. And he delivered it with what I call your PMOC: your Preferred Method of Communication. Early on, his team went digital, using 21st century methods to a wildly successful advantage. For example, Obama’s team text-messaged better than any teenager I’ve ever seen. (And I’m raising two of the most prolific texters in America.) He also engaged us by bringing us together, habitually stressing the United States, not merely red and blue states.
Habit #2: Convey. It’s a real challenge to cut through today’s information overload. Getting your point across requires clarity in order to prevent confusion. Obama learned to make his points with vivid clarity, avoiding ambiguity. Maybe you don’t agree with his viewpoints, but he conveys them transparently, without gumming them up. Storytelling is a key, and Obama’s story was one of humble origins. His campaign was full of stirring videos and his infomercial, watched by more than 32 million people last week, weaved a “my story is your story” narrative to convey that he understands your economic fears and other concerns like health care.
Habit #3: Convince. People are pulled in so many directions today, both in the office and in the voting booth, that it’s a challenge to sway them. As a leader, it’s critical to move people to commit to action. Decisiveness is one of the keys. And Obama is a master decision maker. He allows others to speak their minds, and then he makes the decision. No second-guessing. No waffling. He sticks with his decisions, which sways others to join him. I believe the debates put Obama over the top by demonstrating his decisiveness and calm demeanor. He also capitalized on what I call “peer power.” He gained clout by bringing well-connected people like Oprah Winfrey, Ted Kennedy, Warren Buffett, and Colin Powell into his corner and allowing them to transfer their clout to him.
John McCain used these 3 habits in his concession speech last night, as well. Didn’t you think it was one of the most touching, unifying speeches in political history?
Can you use these habits in the business world? Yes, you can. You can Connect-Convey-Convince® your way to success.
I can read your mind. Not another story about Joe the Plumber, you’re thinking. Good news. This isn’t about Joe, the nation’s newest household name invoked again and again during the final presidential debate. It’s about you and your ability to make a point that people actually remember, repeat and respond to.
Let’s start with this premise: you’re boring people with mind-numbingly dull factoids. Oh, you don’t mean to. But your messages are often mundane, so you’re being tuned out. Ignored. Overlooked.
What’s the antidote? A well-placed story, like the plumber parable. That’s why both candidates latched on to Joe, even though he later sprung a few leaks. Suddenly, complex, hard-to-comprehend issues like tax plans and health care options were vivid. Big, bald Joe had a repeatable narrative – for each party. Here are a few tips to help you tap into your inner storyteller to communicate your business goals and plans:
1. Make it about them, not you. Help your audience envision themselves in the story. Tell it from the perspective of someone who’s similar to them, like Joe, not from your own viewpoint. That will trigger listeners to do two highly desirable things: to understand and care.
2. Have a clear purpose that’s simple and spry. What is the specific idea that you’re trying to help people grasp? How will it change their lives? Keep the story’s essence in mind and resist the urge to incorporate too many lessons into one story. The story should be simple and spry to support your point, not become the point.
3. Trim the fat. Don’t get bogged down in excess details. Your story is a means to the end, not the end itself. Share enough specifics to ignite imaginations, but not so many that your listeners get lost in irrelevant details.
4. Discover the leaks yourself. Shortly after the candidates made Joe a household name, reporters and bloggers discovered a few problems with his Everyman story. His name wasn’t exactly Joe, he wasn’t a licensed plumber and he was delinquent on his taxes. Oops. Say it ain’t so, Joe! The moral of this story: thoroughly research your story’s star so inquiring minds don’t get distracted by side issues and discount you as a result. Today’s audiences can Google topics as you speak and some of them love to challenge you.
5. Relive it as you tell it. When delivering your story, use what I call “planned spontaneity.” Make it real and unrehearsed-sounding so the audience can relate. If you’re presenting to a group, step out from behind the podium and speak conversationally.
I hear you talking back to your computer screen. “But Connie, I’m a bad storyteller,” the voice in your head is saying. You’re not. You just need to approach it from a business viewpoint. So go ahead – tell a story. You’ll help people absorb, retain and repeat your words to reach your business goals.
Here are my Top 8 Communication Skills of ‘08 to help you reach your highest performance:
1. Nail the big idea, pronto. You’re living in an impatient, short attention span world. Capture and summarize the critical essence of your message quickly. Make sure your big idea is crystal clear before diving into the nitty gritty details so you don’t distract others with small details.
2. Aim for the heart, not the head. Spewing endless factoids leaves people cold. And bored. Get real with the power of emotional appeal and you’ll motivate people to commit to action. Instead of trying to share everything you know in a single bound, light a fire under people by concentrating on their feelings first. The heart trumps the head.
3. Capitalize on peer power. Why go it alone? Our world is now ultra-connected and you should be, too, both online and in person. You’ll gain clout by bringing well-connected people into your corner. Let other smart, respected pros transfer their clout to you. They’ll help you build influence and make things happen much faster than you could by flying solo.
4. There’s no off-switch in the age of speed. Your words and actions now spread at the speed of light. Every communication has the potential to elevate or sink you because every utterance, every writing can build you up or do damage. There are no irrelevant interviews or presentations anymore. It all matters.
5. Positive wins, so radiate confident energy. Strive to inspire hope and instill pride. Deep down, we want hope for a positive future. Radiate likability and enthusiasm, even on difficult days when you’re worn down. Listen actively and convey positive interest and optimism.
6. Forget perfect. Be relatable. Stop worrying about being flawless and an amazing transformation will occur. People will start relating to you and rooting for you to win. Gone are the days when people bought in to the illusion of perfection. Let it go. People see right though the veneer. They now value genuine, relatable human beings, warts and all. Think excellence instead of perfection.
7. Create shortcuts. Who has time for long-winded messages anymore? Nobody. We’re all too slammed with work. Provide shortcuts and you’ll be rewarded with quicker decisions and action. Use shorter, punchier sentences. Graphics. Clips. Bullets. Pictures. Brevity is the new black.
8. Think the new PC: Performance Candor. Stop sugarcoating and holding back for fear that people won’t like you. Get important issues on the table tactfully and kindly, and admit the truth if it helps improve business performance. Hiding bad news is terribly damaging to both your business and your well-being.
The balloon boy’s dad, Richard Heene, thought he’d convinced America that his eccentric family should have its own reality show.
How you communicate a message has a direct impact on your ability to influence opinions.
It happened to the President of the United States on his home turf last week. At the end of his prime time health care news conference, Barack Obama answered a hot button question that was totally off-topic. Instead of asking about health care, a reporter asked the president what he thought of the confrontation between Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge police officer James Crowley. The president weighed in with his opinion on race relations, ending with the tantalizing words “acted stupidly.”
Jon and Kate scooched as far apart on the couch as possible, closed off to each other, sending undeniable signals that they’re miserable and their relationship is on the rocks.
As a broadcaster, I spent many years in recording studios. I was astounded to learn there was a major difference between how my voice sounded inside my head…and the way it sounded when the engineer played back the recording. I didn’t come across nearly as energetic or upbeat as my voice sounded in my head. Instead, I sounded flat and bored. I had to learn to boost my energy level to compensate.
You’re a smart person. The axe is falling on leaders everywhere and you want to come across as valuable and indispensable, right? Here’s a quick cautionary tale to bullet-proof your credibility, straight from your TV.
Let’s say you get 100 e-mails a day. (Everybody wants to “keep you in the loop.”) Do you realize how much of your time that’s eating up? At 3 minutes a piece, it takes you 5 hours to read and respond. 5 solid hours! No wonder you’re having trouble getting things done – you’re stuck in e-mail jail.
We’re living in a harsh, harsh world. I’m sure you’ve noticed that you can now get a daily dose of cheap shots here on the Internet. Follow the comment section after most web entries and you’ll find boatloads of hyper-critical, snarky comments. Turn on your TV and there it is again – the Simon Cowell effect – people openly judging and grading others harshly. Ouch.
Out with the old, in with the new. As we say goodbye to George Bush and his colorful, sometimes mangled communications, (can you say misunderestimated?) we usher in a new era of oratory.
Incoming President-Elect Barack Obama has so far been an extraordinary Communicator-in-Chief which, ironically, his detractors hold against him. His critics call him “Mr. Podium.” They argue that he merely talks a good game. I’m not buying that. While I agree that blowhards are not true leaders, from what I’ve seen, Obama’s no blowhard. His words are based on visions that are implemented to unite and inspire action. Isn’t that the opposite of empty rhetoric? Far from merely talking a good game, if you communicate your visions effectively, action is the endgame.
