Do you feel boring? Or fascinating? I promise that no matter how run-of-the-mill you may feel most days, you possess a leadership quality that others find fascinating. I see this unfold every day in my executive coaching practice. Every leader has a unique asset, an inner strength that defines their executive presence.
What I find fascinating is that most leaders arrive at my coaching session oblivious to their unique asset. They don’t see themselves as others do. I find great joy in helping leaders identify what’s influential about them – and then help them amplify it.
If you identify and amplify your unique assets, you will become far more influential. More powerful. More authentically and satisfyingly you.
I recently taped an interview with Sally Hogshead, the author of “Fascinate,” to help uncover seven qualities that she believes fascinates others. If, by chance, you’re snickering over Sally’s last name, she has a heartfelt, unique retort for you at the end of this video. As you’ll see, it’s part of what makes Sally so darned fascinating herself.
I hope you enjoy this quick video to learn which fascinating qualities YOU possess:
It was the silence heard around the world: Rick Perry’s brain freeze. Perry’s mental cramp during the GOP presidential debate stole the show and was quickly hailed as one of the worst memory meltdowns in history. It was a cringe-inducing 53 seconds as Perry scrambled to recall the name of the third federal agency he’d shut down, to no avail.
I’m not focusing on politics here. My interest is in YOU as an influential leader and how you can prevent your own case of message meltdown. After many year of observing and serving leaders, I’m convinced that brain freeze in public speaking is completely preventable, no matter how nervous you are. Many people’s fear of public speaking and delivering presentations hinges on this issue, so I’d like to share three strategies to conquer it. (With a respectful wink and nod to Governor Perry, let’s hope I don’t forget the third.)
What’s at stake when an episode of brain freeze strikes? Your credibility can disappear with your memory. Your confidence can take a profound, life-altering beating. In addition, brain freeze can either 1) create an unfavorable first impression of you, or 2) cement an unfavorable view that others already have of you.
Here are three tips to prevent you from drawing a blank when delivering a message:
Believe your message deeply. Your brain’s frontal lobe is sensitive to anxiety. Psychologists say stress hormones can temporarily block your frontal lobe from the rest of your brain. You’re frantically searching for a word, but like a computer file that’s locked, your brain is blocking access to it. Fear is like a virus, infecting your thoughts. It’s guided by self-preservation. The solution? Don’t rely solely on your brain to deliver a message when the stakes are high. Believe your messagedeeply. A speech or presentation is a transfer of emotion. Engage both your head and your heart to share your message with others. Tap into your message both intellectually and emotionally. When you deliver from the heart, you free yourself of the susceptibility that anxiety will scramble your brain.
Beware of adding new information too close to delivery.Brand spanking new information leaves you vulnerable to drawing a blank. You haven’t fully processed and internalized new info yet. You might as well send a party invitation to your brain inviting message meltdown when you add new information on the fly. But Connie, you ask – what if my boss gives me last minute information that I have to include? What if I learn something at the last minute that’s important? Of course you should add this type of information to your presentation. But here’s the antidote: write that information down and keep it right in front of you. Prominently. During Perry’s meltdown, he frantically searched his notes, but couldn’t come up with that third agency. Perhaps it was buried in his notes. Perhaps he was off-point. I don’t know. But I do know that a prominently displayed, bulleted list would have saved Perry from this public humiliation. So save yourself. If you have new, unprocessed information to share, keep it written prominently in front of you. Think of it as an insurance policy.
Deliver boldly. Do you fear criticism? Does the concern that someone will take a shot at you linger in the back of your mind during delivery? This is pure poison. The good news is that it’s self-induced, which means you have control over it. Confidence is the expectation of a positive outcome in a specific situation. Breathe deeply, visualize a positive outcome and let go of the fear. Forget perfection – think excellence. Don’t morph into your boring, evil twin in front of an audience. No one wants an automaton delivering a perfectly rote message- they value a person with a passionate point of view.
The only true metric of public speaking is the audience’s response. Embrace your opportunity to move others to action. Use these three tips and you’ll replace brain freeze with liquid gold for your audience – and yourself.
Tim Sanders is a confidence guru. A New York Times bestselling author, riveting keynote speaker and former Yahoo executive, Tim has written a compelling new book called Today We Are Rich: Harnessing the Power of Total Confidence that’s loaded with insights on how to develop unshakable confidence in a shaky world. The book is based on the timeless wisdom he gleaned from his grandmother.
Tim’s take-aways in our recent podcast interview came fast and furious. He challenges your assumptions and can forever change how you approach confidence, scarcity thinking and relational equity.
Among the many take-aways, you’ll discover:
The 3 elements of a leader’s confidence
The difference between confidence and narcissism
How to cultivate confidence in others
What to feed your mind every day
Why scarcity thinking is an airborne disease that you catch from fools
How a “Chicken Little” mentality can be your downfall
How to get the “A” team assigned to any idea or project you pitch
How to attract success in the “Wow Economy”
Why criticism delivered to your face is a gift
Why you must stand against things as well as for things to be confident
Why a recession is like a Nascar race – and how to win when the flag drops
Tim’s Toolkit
I encourage you to download the transcript of my interview with Tim. You can read his remarkable interview insights here:
Sadly, the podcast is a bit difficult to hear. Turns out, Tim’s audio recorded pretty low. As hard as my team tried to boost Tim’s audio level and diminish mine, you’ll need good speakers to hear his answers comfortably. I suggest the PDF as a great option so you don’t miss out on any of Tim’s business acuity or get your ears blown off by my higher audio level.
Where to Learn More About Tim Sanders
If you’re a leader who wants to be more confident and people-centric, I wholeheartedly urge you to pick up a copy of Today We Are Rich: Harnessing the Power of Total Confidence.
You can download a free chapter of the book and learn more about Tim here.
You can also pick up a copy atbookstores or order it by clicking on thisAmazonlinkwhich takes you directly to the book.
Tim’s an indispensable resource for any leader or organization wanting to develop strong relationships that lead to better business performance. You might also enjoy his previous bestsellers, including Love is the Killer App.
You Write. We Reward.
Would you like to win an autographed copy of Today We Are Rich? Tim has kindly provided a copy for one of our Influential Leader readers. Simply add a comment to the blog, sharing what you found valuable about Tim’s interview, and I’ll pick a winner and get the autographed copy in the mail to you!
Recently, my life has been packed with one life-altering experience after another. Among them were two milestone graduations – my son’s from college and my daughter’s from high school. (This makes me feel so old. Congratulations, Spencer and Ali!)
Which got me to thinking about confidence – and how people completely misunderstand it. Confidence is more critical now than ever in the economy we’re facing today. It’s essential to cultivate it so you can seize opportunities and avoid pitfalls.
But it’s not just recent graduates who crave confidence – every C-suite executive whom I’ve had the privilege to coach wants a booster shot to help them be more influential and make things happen. They understand that confidence begets influence and personal impact.
But here’s the catch: you crush your own confidence every day. Oh, you don’t intend to. Chances are, you don’t even realize that you’re undermining your ability to make an impact, day-in and day-out. It’s certainly not your intent.
So what’s going on?
Simple. You may confuse confidence with self-esteem. Grasping the difference between the two can transform how you interact with others – whether you’re a seasoned executive or a newbie in the business world. I’ve witnessed extraordinary transformations in leaders’ abilities to influence as I share this secret of executive presence and then coach them in how to unleash their confidence in presentations and other make-it or break-it interactions. Even the most anxious public speaker – whose jitters would normally crush their own confidence in the front of the room – will morph into a remarkably influential presenter when they employ this unshakable confidence technique.
So what is confidence, then? Simply put, confidence is the expectation of a positive outcome in a specific situation. Period. It’s not self-esteem, which is how you secretly size yourself up and assign your status in the world. Self-esteem is where insecurities like Imposter Syndrome lurk. Unlike self-esteem, confidence is situational. Which means you’re completely in controlto ignite it or zap it like a bug on neon – one situation at a time. Confidence is easily within reach when you unhook it from the complicated, big-picture puzzle of self-esteem. Tell yourself that you are prepared in this specific situation, envision a positive outcome, and fear will melt away. This shift in mindset is simple, yet it’s a profound game-changer.
I encourage you to devour the interview with Tim Sanders in my next post. Tim will challenge you to reconsider confidence, helping you overcome self-doubt and fear.
Strolling along a white sandy beach on a working vacation with my teenage daughter in the Bahamas this week, we spent our mornings searching for shells. (Okay, she kept her eyes open for cute guys, too, but that’s another matter.)
You know how it goes. First day, first beach walk, you stop for every pretty shell. After a while, though, you grow more selective. No matter how perfectly formed, most shells begin to look alike. Generic. Unremarkable. Boring. Until that one BOLD shell stands out and you simply must stop to pick it up and admire it. You may even take it with you.
Same with your leadership communications.
The more discerning the follower, the more they hold you to a higher standard. Seasoned peers, direct reports and clients are harder to influence, inspire and impact. They feel they’ve seen it all and heard it all. They’re a skeptical bunch. Question is: are your communications bold enough to stand out like a remarkable shell on the beach? Or are they ho-hum enough to be overlooked?
Pint-sized presenter Schuyler St. Leger nailed it. At the age of 10, he’s already mastering audience-centered speaking.
How Schuyler rocked the audience – (and you can, too)
1) He nailed the power pause, deftly using silence after his major points to let his words sink in before moving to his next tidbit.
2) He was Diana Ross, letting the slides work as his Supremes.The slides didn’t eclipse his presence – they acted as the equivalent of his back-up singers.
3)His slides were visual – not laden with text. They helped the audience process his points, rather than bogging them down with TMI.
Kudos, kid. Your delivery and poise at this Ignite Phoenix event is inspiring. My only question is this: Is that your mother, cheering hysterically in front of the camera – or do you have that effect on all the ladies?
Being a confident communicator who influences others is a choice you make each and every day. Every time you attempt to sell an idea, product, or service, you can choose to:
A) Own your message and go all in, or
B) Wimp out by watering down, withholding, or collapsing to the competition.
I was the queen of watering down when I launched my business ten years ago. I’d like to think my intentions were honorable – I wanted to get along with everyone in my industry and I didn’t want to sound too full of myself. But by diminishing my messages about how potential clients could benefit from working with me, I sold myself short. Worst yet, I missed opportunities to contribute and help leaders learn to influence at the top of their game.
What about you? Are you selling yourself short? Perhaps you could learn a lesson from this little girl:
I’m on a mission to help you become a more confident communicator – every bit as motivated and self-assured as the little girl in the video. Confident communicators influence others and make things happen. Let me ground you with a few communi-truths:
Confidence is the expectation of a positive outcome. It’s the opposite of negativity. Confidence requires that you tackle and wrestle your inner critic to the ground so you project an outlook every bit as positive as the little girl in the video. Don’t choose to be road kill. Confidence is situational – expect a positive outcome in a specific situation, motivate yourself to attain it, and deliver your message to the world, unabashed. You’ll exude executive presence.
Confidence stays in the moment. Maybe the product or service you sell has an imperfect past. So what? Every product/service worth its weight in gold has been beta tested and improved in stages. Stop looking behind you and sounding apologetic as you dwell on past imperfections. Great ideas are a work in progress – your job is to stay in the moment and deliver the here and now.
Own your message or your competition will own you. Don’t let the competition define you by telling cautionary tales to potential customers. That’s the negative comparison trap. Instead, spread your own message. Communicate your unique success stories and watch people gain trust in you.
Confident communicators don’t sell themselves short when they face pushbacks. They don’t come across as defeated when challenged. Instead, they move the ball forward and confidently change minds, resulting in a win-win for all involved. Now get out there and influence your world!
LeBron James and Dan Gilbert both damaged their global presence with their communications this week. LeBron’s theatrics were a narcissistic nightmare. Gilbert’s knee-jerk open letter was widely interpreted as an example of a sore loser.
At least Gilbert’s passionate response was fascinatingly transparent and straight from the heart. LeBron’s was purely from the head and didn’t ring true.
Here are seven ways that the man who covets a ring didn’t ring true during his televised hostage release:
Deceptive body language. LeBron did a poor acting job of trying to look humble, furrowed brow and all. His attempt to look “pained” backfired, resulting in him looking uncomfortable and lacking warmth. More importantly, LeBron’s lips gave him away. When he revealed his choice, he pursed his lips. The lips are among the most emotional parts of the body. Pursed lips are a sign of unvoiced emotion. He was being deceptive.
Ludicrous use of the phrase “humbling experience.” LeBron said the vetting process had been humbling for him. Nonsense. Humbling for the rich beggars forced to trek to LeBron’s chambers for their expensive dog-and-pony shows. Oh, the money that was wasted trying to lure LeBron. This experience was not humbling. It puffed him up like a popcorn kernel waiting to explode.
Implausible “I made the decision when I woke up this morning” storyline. This was a blatant, manufactured story in an attempt to justify the suspenseful dog-and-pony show. No one believes it, LeBron. You played everyone. The Three Musketeers knew this decision all along. You were just satisfying your ego and playing out your plan to build brand dominance.
The phony baloney backdrop at the Boys and Girls Club. There was nothing charitable about it. You should have held your hostage release at the University of Phoenix or Vitamin Water headquarters. Your clients were front and center. And yes, we noticed the Vitamin Water bottle beside you, label turned toward the camera, along with the vending machine strategically placed between you and Jim Gray. But funny thing – you never mentioned your OWN kids. Although asked repeatedly who factored into your decision, you never once mentioned your children or the girlfriend who’s raising your mini-me’s.
Using his mom as his accomplice. As a mother, it struck me as a cowardly move to say that your mother’s morning phone call blessing the South Beach destination sealed the deal. Take it like a man, LeBron. It was your decision, not hers. And why bring God into it? You’ve never mentioned the man upstairs before. Nice publicity for God, but it came across as out of character to the people who know you.
Speaking of himself in the third person. How arrogant to refer to himself as “LeBron James” and wanting to make “LeBron James” happy. Who does that, other than a narcissist? A simple “I” is how levelheaded people refer to themselves.
Being disrespectful of the Cavaliers. How cowardly that he didn’t call his team’s owner and give him two minutes of his time before he was dropped on live TV. That’s disrespectful, selfish, and speaks volumes about character.
We won’t even get into how cruel you were to your hometown fans, LeBron, because plenty has been written about this act of cruelty.
We learn who people really are by how they communicate in stressful situations. We reveal our core, instead of our cleaned up versions. At least Dan Gilbert gave us a window into his passionate heart. LeBron’s hometown, along with the world, witnessed the athlete’s narcissist communication. In his attempt to build global dominance, LeBron blew an opportunity to communicate sincerely and from the heart. His theatrics all came from the head. And a very inflated one at that.
We’re all sick of witnessing the LeBron-aThon. Many of you are upset at the athlete, thinking his “The Decision” announcement show on ESPN is the height of inflated egomania.
But let’s turn to LeBron’s communication strategy. He’s opened a “last-minute” Twitter account this week, re-launched his website, and is taking his announcement to live TV worldwide. Yes, it’s narcissistic. But it’s also a sound approach for a man who’s building a GLOBAL brand. This is opportunity communication, as opposed to crisis communication. It’s Tiger Woods in reverse. LeBron’s suspense-building tactic is cutting through the worldwide media clutter and claiming his space at the top of the mountain. LeBron is owning his message instead of letting others control it.
Operation “Billionaire Communicator” has begun. From puff of chalk to puffed-up ego.
At last, LeBron’s desire for global dominance is visibly in full swing with his newly-launched communication approach. The millionaire-to-millionaire dog and pony show presentation pitches have come and gone. But if you think the media coverage of the courtship has been maddening, imaging the frenzy after the decision is announced tonight. You could fill an hour-long show about it.
Whoops. LeBron’s a step ahead of us.
He already knows the media will be clamoring for the reasoning behind his decision and the impact it will have on the hostage cities involved, so LeBron is managing the situation by being live on the global leader in sports, ESPN. With the Boys and Girls Club as his beneficiary backdrop, to boot. It’s opportunity communication when you know you’re going to break four cities’ hearts but you want time to explain yourself beyond a sound bite. Basketball fans in the losing cities will disgustedly change the channel as soon as he drops them like a hot potato. But the rest of the GLOBE will be watching.
And that, I suspect, is the heart of the LeBron James Operation Billionaire Communicator plan. Global dominance.
You might be surprised at how many executives say they lack confidence in front of audiences and want to gain the skill.
Here’s a nerve-wracking experience that I keep in mind as I coach high-powered leaders who want to improve their presentation skills. It starts in my rear view mirror, back when I was sixteen years old. My high school business teacher entered me in the Future Business Leaders of America speech contest. First of all, you should know that I had never given a speech before. Secondly, I was raised in a humble family in a tiny Indiana farm town, so I had no clue what topic to choose for a business speech. I certainly didn’t have any compelling business nuggets that would rock Wall Street to its core.
As the deadline to select my topic approached, and with no sudden emergence of business acuity, I chose a simple, safe speech title: “Confidence is the Key.” Yes, I know – my topic choice was part lame, part prophetic.
When the day of the speech arrived, I stood before the audience in my self-styled seersucker suit with a homemade poster as my visual. The poster was canary yellow, featuring a giant black key that I’d cut out of construction paper and carefully glued next to my emphatic magic marker title. You get the level of sophistication. Unlike a James Bond Martini, I was shaken and stirred as I dug deep and delivered my heart-felt message. I’ll get to the outcome of the contest in a moment – it’s pertinent, I promise.
Luckily, my grasp of presentation skills has evolved a bit since high school, so here are a few secrets to help you become a remarkably confident communicator, despite your nerves:
Forget the underwear. The solution to overcoming nerves is not to picture the audience in their underwear – that’s a tired old tale. Instead, the smart solution is to shift your focus to serving the audience. Make this your new presentation mantra: the purpose of my presentation is the people. Thepeople. It’s not about creating killer slides. Not about seeing how much information you can cram in. Not about whether your mouth is dry or you’re sweating through your jacket. Your mission is to create a positive experience that will influence people to act. Shift your focus to serving the audience and an amazing transformation will happen.
Confidence is situational. If you think self-confidence and self-esteem are interchangeable words, hit the reset button. Confidence is the expectation of a positive outcome in a specific situation. It’s very different from self-esteem and your underlying sense of worth. The key to a confident presentation is to prepare for the specific situation. Smart preparation will help you wrestle your nerves to the ground. Expect a positive outcome in this one specific situation, prepare for it with a sound strategy, and you’ll achieve it. Every time.
Lacking confidence is selfish. You read that right. It sounds harsh, so let me explain. If you lack confidence in a presentation it means that you’re focusing your attention squarely on yourself. Everyone gets butterflies before presenting. I know I still do. But butterflies are actually a good sign because it means that you’re taking the presentation seriously. You have a choice: you can let the butterflies undermine the situation by focusing on your own feelings — or you can use them as an edge to redirect your focus and take your audience to a higher level.
Forget perfection – think excellence. Please understand that this is a huge statement coming from a recovering perfectionist. When you stop worrying about being flawless, people will start relating to you. Aim for excellence instead of absolute perfection. Truth be told, people see right through the illusion of perfection anyway and value genuine, relatable human beings, warts and all. Spewing endless, perfect factoids with a flawless style leaves people cold and that’s a confidence killer.
Don’t slip into “presentation mode.” Do you morph into a faux-heavyweight version of yourself when you present? Stay centered. You’re good enough. If there’s a glitch, stay light and handle it graciously or humorously. Turn mistakes into advantages. You’ll light a fire by aiming for people’s hearts, not their heads. Take the pressure off of yourself and see how much better people respond to you. Isn’t that the point of business communication – getting a positive response?
Since you’ve stuck around this long, I’ll share how my high school business speech contest ended. The sixteen year old mini-me surprised myself by winning the state and regional contests with my “Confidence is the Key” presentation. I then packed up my poster board and boarded my first-ever airplane to the national finals where I became the top loser in America. In other words, I was first runner-up nationwide. The judges chose an experienced eighteen year with big city business ideas as the top Future Business Leaders of America speech winner.
Rightfully so. The winning speech was content-rich and well-delivered. I learned that content and delivery are equally important to your success and I’m passionate about sharing the secrets to reaching this presentation nirvana with executives today.
Clearly, confidence is a key to business success. But I don’t recommend a goofy poster board.
Goldman Sachs executives were skewered on Capitol Hill this week. They were sach-ed. The men faced blistering cross examination by the Senate on the firm’s mortgage market and its role in the country’s financial collapse.
During their time on the hot seat, the current and former leaders, along with the prolific e-mail braggart known as “Fabulous Fab,” were lambasted with biting questions and criticism from outraged lawmakers. Unrepentant, resistant, and uneasy, the executives denied responsibility as lawmakers ripped into them.
Can you imagine handling that kind of fiery criticism? Many businessmen and women are fearful of being blasted in the workplace following presentations or even in team meetings.
As I’ve coached high-powered executives for the past decade, I’ve heard a recurring theme: the fear of criticism. It’s the fear that you’ll be judged harshly or won’t measure up to expectations. This fear is growing because we’re living in a world that encourages cheap shots. Snarky people abound on the Internet and otherwise, unleashing their inner Simon Cowell, judging others severely.
Here’s the problem: fear of criticism is like kryptonite to executives. It has a crippling effect, draining your power and influence. It can cause you to hold back instead of contributing. It may lead you to be defensive when well-meaning people offer constructive feedback. Or it may cause you to play it too safe and offer a vanilla version of what could have been a much more compelling contribution.
Even the most capable leaders can be crippled by a secret fear of criticism. Here are a few tips to help you overcome it:
Resist the temptation to be defensive. Do you often jump in and cut off criticism with a knee-jerk defensive reaction? If so, you may unwittingly escalate the situation. Cutting off tough critics often causes them to grow more determined. As a result, they may zap you even harder next time. Defensiveness and evasiveness can also turn off well-meaning allies.
Keep the criticizer’s intent in mind. Bosses, co-workers and others in your life may offer feedback because they want to help you. Their constructive feedback may be intended to help you improve your performance, not as a cheap shot or a grandstanding opportunity. Consider their true intent. Maybe they’re sharing wisdom from their own lessons learned. Is it possible you’re overly sensitive to criticism?
Ride the wave. One of the best approaches to handling criticism is to listen carefully and let the person finish completely. Resist the temptation to deflect point-by-point. By hearing their full point of view, you stand the best chance to uncover the real issue and correct what may need to be fixed.
Conquer your inner critic. Often, the critical voice in your head is carrying too much weight. It can be far worse than anyone else’s potshot. Give it a rest. Starting today, create a positive daily dialogue to overrule your habit of critical self-talk.
Don’t be an avoider. There’s an old saying, “To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.” Clearly avoidance isn’t the answer. Turn it around. Face it. Get the confrontation over with instead of dreading it all day. Often, reality isn’t nearly as bad as the situation you imagined and avoided.
Some people trace their fear of criticism back to childhood, when they experienced excessive criticism that’s gotten stuck in their head like a broken record. Others have received tongue-lashings from hypercritical bosses and had their confidence crushed.
Whatever its source, learning to conquer criticism gracefully is a sign of maturity and leadership.
Time is of the essence when you owe someone an apology in the Internet age. As we all know, Tiger Woods certainly didn’t rush to retract. By waiting 80 days to speak publicly, many people are convinced that he’s arrogant and that he doesn’t care.
So how did Tiger do once he finally stepped up to the tee to begin to make amends? Was it a good recovery shot? He handled some parts of the apology well, and others were lacking.
Bottom line: the content was strong; his delivery was weak.
First, why the content was strong:
He didn’t sidestep. He focused on the hot buttons: he cheated, he alone is to blame, he’s sorry for what he’s done, and he’s taking steps to ensure that it never happens again.
He focused on the people he’d hurt. He acknowledged that people had good reason to be critical of him. His target audiences for the apology were his wife and immediate family, his business partners and his fans. He was specific on how he’d let them down.
He delivered a clear takeaway for the TV audience. “I’m so sorry for what I’ve done” came through loud and clear.
He stated the solution. He shared exactly what he’s doing to try to make things right – that he’s been in rehab for the past 45 days and that he’s returning there to keep working on his issues. He also pointed that he’s returned to his faith after drifting away. He said that he’s working to ensure that he never repeats the mistakes that he’s made.
On the flip side, how did Tiger’s delivery hurt his ability to convince people of his sincerity?
He appeared to speak from the head, not the heart. He read out loud from a prepared script. Many people are slamming him for this today. I am not among them. Why? Tiger is not a dynamic personality – never has been, and probably never will be. He needed to stick to his comfort zone of being prepared and methodical. It was crafted by a smart speechwriter – ad libbing was a risk that he wasn’t willing to take.
He should have memorized the open and spoken it directly to the audience. When you’re stiff in your opening, it gives the impression that you’re insincere. He would’ve been better served by frontloading a more heartfelt opening. I do give him credit for facing the camera lens directly when he delivered his “I’m sorry” messages and other issues where he showed true emotion about his wife and family, though he was equally adamant about not being a steroid cheater.
Perhaps the mostremarkable statement was his admission of being a self-absorbed narcissist. “I never thought about who I was hurting. I thought only about myself. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to,” said Tiger.
I believe rehab is teaching Tiger that the grandiose self-importance, sense of entitlement, and impulsiveness of narcissism has caused chaos and pain for everyone around him. Narcissists are so caught up in their own worlds and meeting their own impulsive needs, that the needs of others are simply not on their radar screens. Today’s admission of being self-absorbed, more than anything else he said, is what can change Tiger’s world.
To me, this is the communication lesson: Tiger is a living, breathing example the danger of over-communicating with ourselves, and under-communicating with the others in our lives. It’s critical to connect with others by listening for their needs and values. At the end of his prepared speech, Tiger said he’s now relying on others to help him change and become “a better man.” Good for him. If Tiger can conquer his narcissism, it will be a true story of redemption beyond the golf course. Which gives hope for everyone out there who’s suffered with a narcissist in their life.
Top 10 Communi-lutions to Improve How People Respond to You In Our Distraction-Driven Decade
Most of us resolve to shed extra pounds, get out of debt, or be more organized as we strive to reinvent ourselves in the New Year. But as the odometer turns over for 2010, what if we focus on a more professionally profound improvement?
Why not resolve to improve how people respond to you? Think of it as your New Year’s “Communi-lutions.” After all, interpersonal communication is radically different in today’s information-overload, distraction-driven decade, so isn’t it time to upgrade your ability to sell your ideas and lead effectively?
Here are my Top 10 Communi-utions to influence your world in the decade ahead:
1.Stop Informing, Start Influencing
The most important communication resolution you can make this year is to transform from being informational to influential. Stop data dumping like a linear play-by-play announcer. Instead, convert into the analyst – the color commentator. Your goal should be to shape people’s understanding and actions, not to dispense information.
2. Stay in Their Moment
Conquer today’s endless distractions by managing your own attention first. Resolve to be right here, right now when speaking with others. Focus on meeting their needs and values, instead of being caught up in your own concerns. Scan for signals and listen for values.
3. Frontload
Don’t bury the lead.People are impatient and overloaded today. Quickly nail your big idea and marry it to what’s most relevant to your listener. People must grasp what’s in it for them – pronto – or they will tune you out. Frontloading your message is the antidote to rambling.
4. Use Goldilocks Candor
As a leader, you must get issues on the table in order to improve performance, so using the right level of candor is crucial. Think of it as a Goldilocks test:Not too hard, not too soft – it’s just right. Goldilocks candor prevents two common missteps: demoralizing and sugarcoating.
5. The Eyes Trump the Ears
Vision – the dominant sense – is a shortcut to clarity. Don’t create confusion with an avalanche of words. Use visuals instead of text whenever possible to help people analyze and understand new information, and integrate it quickly.
6. Talk in Triplets
Three is the world’s most powerful number because our minds crave information in multiples of three. If you want to ensure the clarity of a lengthy or complicated message, tap into the trilogy and use portion control by structuring your message around three key points.
7. Tell Stories
Stories have a longer shelf life than mind-numbing facts because they create mind pictures. Like a good movie, success stories and cautionary tales help others absorb, retain, and repeat your information and ideas.
8. Sound Decisive
Most people are surprised to learn that they don’t sound as decisive as they feel. Weak language and habitual hedging strip you of power. The language of leadership is decisiveness. It’s time to stop wavering and start firming up your communications.
9. Transfer Ownership
Let them own it and they’ll do it. People should feel as if they’re volunteering, not surrendering. A sense of self-discovery is often the difference between gaining commitment or compliance. Shift your ideas and decisions to others so they will embrace them and act.
10. Adjust Your Energy
People constantly monitor you for the signals that you send. Your vocal, facial, and body signals are crucial for a very powerful reason: reciprocity. People give back to you what you give to them. Most of us need an energy boost to balance likability and credibility, which generates commitment and action from others.
_________________________
onPoint Communication founder Connie Dieken transforms leaders into influential communicators. She’s the author of Talk Less, Say More, named a top business book for 2009. A former Emmy Award-winning TV news anchor, Connie is an inductee of the Radio/Television Broadcasters Hall of Fame, winner of a Top 10 Women’s Business Owners Award, and an in-demand keynote speaker. You can reach her at Connie@StayOnPoint.com.
You heard about the married politician caught trysting with his girlfriend in Argentina. On the day he was caught returning from his fun in the sun, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford held a hasty, free association press conference at the statehouse to drop the bomb.
Three words for you, Governor Sanford: Less is more.
His rambling admission of guilt was devastatingly wordy and bizarre. He dithered on about his love of hiking. He blathered about “sparking” with his “dear, dear friend” in Buenos Aires. At last, he meandered into a confession. After finally admitting to philandering, the governor presented his priorities wrong. He tearfully apologized for hurting his girlfriend before he expressed regret that his shameful behavior had damaged his wife and sons, and that he’d done the citizens of South Carolina wrong during his six-day disappearing act.
The governor showed us how not to meet the press.
As a leader, Sanford’s wordy discourse was far too long and misdirected. He needed to talk less and say more.
I hope you’ll never experience a moment of truth quite like this one in your career. However, as a leader you will be called upon to influence the thoughts and actions of others. Here are a few tips to help you influence intentionally:
Don’t confuse talking with influencing. Most leaders think influence means showing up and giving a speech. They want to look good, sound intelligent, and come across as well as possible. However, the real goal of influence is to move people to commit to action. That means touching hearts and minds, not merely talking your way out of (or into) something.
Don’t shoot for a quick fix. It’s not the short game that matters – it’s the long game. The Governor will learn this over the coming months as he’s judged by his constituents, citizens and family. A hastily arranged press conference (or meeting) solves nothing. When attendees are caught off guard, they can’t fully process the information you dump on them, which means that you’ve merely delayed the final outcome.
Move people in the direction you desire. Communicate with purpose. Not just because you believe that a communication of some sorts is called for. The Governor was too quick on the trigger to address the media. His goal should have been to get the story out of the news, not to get tongues wagging and create even more drama.
Cut the distractions. Did you see the young faces behind the governor as he spoke? They were smiling broadly as he choked up. How weird. Be aware of your surroundings during leadership communications – or make sure that someone else is watching out for you.
Keep it brief and simple. The key to communication in the 21st century is brevity. Attention spans are collapsing. Demands on time are increasing. Master the complex business of simplicity. If you blather on, you risk losing people’s attention…and their respect.
Sanford’s Wall Street wife was far more succinct. Her statements to the press have been pithy, if a bit understandably passive-aggressive. So far, she’s winning the oh-so-polite war of words for public support.
Leadership communication is about aligning people to influence their thoughts and actions. I encourage you to be purposeful about communicating with influence. Take time to distill your message instead of being long-winded. In today’s world, saying less is truly more.
News reports throughout the weekend referred to Jett Travolta as “the son of John Travolta” and called the boy’s death “The John Travolta Tragedy.” The boy’s motherwas an afterthought in the news reports, if she was even mentioned at all.
I realize this is the power of celebrity – John Travolta is a bigger star than his wife, and reporters habitually zero in on the most popular person. But it still struck me as shallow. Kelly Preston’s contributions and grief as the boy’s mother were minimized by small-minded reporting.
That’s why I was heartened when both stars’ websites released a carefully-crafted, heartfelt statement calling Jett “the most wonderful son that two parents could ever ask for.” Did you catch that? Two parents. It was a subtle, but clear message to reporters that parents aren’t soloists, despite the fact that one partner may be more visible than the other.
What does this have to do with your leadership communication? Everything. It’s very telling whether you have a pattern of sharing credit with others … or whether you hog the limelight for yourself, even inadvertently.
Successful leadership is a joint venture. Always. The very concept of leadership presupposes teamwork. It’s important that you don’t monopolize the credit, but share it with others generously. That you recognize, praise and reward others.
Study the most successful coaches in professional sports and you’ll see this principal in action. Top coaches know that recognition motivates others to perform at their highest levels. When teams win, coaches generously tell the world what a great job their players did. If they’re really savvy, their praise is specific. They don’t hog the credit. And when their teams lose, savvy coaches don’t duck. They face the flack, shoulder the responsibility and take the blame publicly.
As a leader, you must decide early on how you want to play this. Will you share credit or hog it? Will you accept blame or point fingers? The people on your team who help you achieve your goals will grow tired of never getting credit for their contributions. They will grow disheartened, start grumbling and eventually, they will quit.
We all inherently want and need to be recognized for our contributions. If you don’t communicate your praise out loud, how are others to know that you’re grateful?
The wise person knows that acknowledging the contributions of others is key. A true leader spreads praise and credit and, in return, is rewarded with loyalty.
Game over. Cleveland Browns owner Randy Lerner moved swiftly to fire his front office following the final, crushing loss of the season. He cut general manager Phil Savage loose by phone after Sunday’s defeat, and then sacked coach Romeo Crennel the next morning. Most Joes and pros alike support Lerner’s moves because the team under-performed in humiliating fashion this season.
What caused the under-performance? The failure can be traced to the top. Browns insiders say Phil Savage lacked more than just scoreboard numbers. They say he was woefully deficient in communication and leadership skills.
I believe communication and leadership are joined at the hip. The leader is communicator-in-chief. And I don’t mean giving speeches. The first thing any leader delivers is culture. It’s the leaders responsibility to create a winning culture. The championship mindset begins with an open, clear communication path that cascades throughout the organization. Information must flow freely in both directions, with candor and clarity. Without this, organizations unravel and under-perform.
Savage’s leadership communication style smacked of rookie. He created distractions for the players and coaching staff and drew too much attention to himself. Two examples were a public spat with tight end Kellen Winslow over releasing information about team staph infections, and a profane e-mail exchange with a fan.
The Browns organization created a new playbook in how not to communicate. Faced with a leadership communication vacuum, bad habits prevailed as people jockeyed for position, covered their butts, withheld information, took pot shots, or became long-winded. Lacking direction, everyone freestyled their communication. Clearly, the results were disastrous.
This is not to say the dreadful season was all Savage’s fault. The NFL is famous for its revolving door and zero job security. Players are paid to hit, hit, hit. The front office is paid to replace, replace, replace. Stress levels are through the roof as everyone in the organization faces store-window scrutiny and is all too aware of the disposable nature of their job. It’s a challenge to motivate and inspire self confidence.
Here’s where it spiraled out of control: Savage confused leadership with power. The two couldn’t be more different. Leadership means elevating others’ performances, making the whole greater than the sum of its parts. Power, on the other hand, means “me, first.” It’s a narcissistic, alpha-male act that leads others to under-perform. The quest for personal power destroys trust, triggering the team to be less than the sum of its parts.
Savage’s football skills led him to the job. His lack of leadership communication tackled him from behind.
I believe this leadership meltdown is a forehead-slapping moment of clarity. It takes more than talent to reach the top of any profession. This is Randy Lerner’s chance to smack it through the middle of the uprights in Cleveland, to attain the level of success he’s enjoyed recently with his English soccer club.
It starts with hiring a leader who will make creating a winning culture his first priority.
How do you undercut your message without opening your mouth? Leadership means managing your energy level as well as your words in order to influence peoples’ decisions, behaviors and actions. Want to trigger a positive response? Radiate positive energy when your mouth is shut. Want a negative reaction? You’ll soon learn how to spread bad vibes.
Let’s review how this worked in recent high profile cases. Were you influenced by watching the candidates’ personal warmth in round one of the presidential debates? Sure you were. Same with the economic turmoil. You’ve either been inspired or turned off by leaders’ energy levels and body language.
Just for fun, let’s go negative for a moment, shall we? Here are 5 surefire ways to trigger a negative response without opening your mouth:
Ignore others in the room. Go ahead – ice others in an effort to diminish them. Granted, sometimes it’s inadvertent. You may just be nervous, so you fail to acknowledge others. But sometimes, the deep freeze is purposeful. You may avoid eye contact in an effort to dismiss people you feel superior to. Whatever the intent, icing people backfires. You’re the one who takes the hit, because you unwittingly come across as condescending or angry. Best to respectfully acknowledge and address the people with whom you disagree.
Look like you don’t care. People form opinions about you with a quick glance at your face. They eyeball your mug, interpret its meaning and respond accordingly. You may be sending the wrong signal with a dour-looking expression, one that looks like you smelled something bad. Some of the world’s most successful leaders share warm facial expressions. They appear open and agreeable and benefit from it.
Slap on a one-size-fits-all intensity level. Sometimes you need to tone it down and not come on too strong – especially when you’re conveying bad or unwelcome news. At other times, you need more intensity, such as in a presentation when you’re trying to inspire. Match your intensity to the specific situation.
Bounce your lower body habitually. This is where many people need to tone it down. Pacing back and forth or bouncing your legs or feet are very distracting and make it difficult for others to focus on your words. Keep the lower body quiet in order to give power to your presence.
Plaster on a smile. You’ve heard many times that you should smile. But the truth is, it has to be a genuine smile, or it can backfire on you. Plastered-on smiles don’t cut it; neither do contempt smiles. They’re toxic. Genuine smiles have a powerful effect because they increase your likability. People will cut you some slack if your emotions appear to be heartfelt.
The question is, how does your energy level com across to others? Do others define you as energetic? Stiff Engaging? Disinterested? Angry? Icy? As you know, when you communicate with someone, it’s not just the words you choose that send a message. People monitor the non-verbal signals you send. Your intensity, facial expressions, eye contact and body language all send signals that influence others’ decisions and actions.
The vibes you send are crucial for this reason: reciprocity. People give back to you what you give to them. Energy feeds on itself. Energized people create energy and engagement in others. If you look and sound engaged and self-assured, people will respond more positively to you. If you look off-putting, you’ll induce bad vibes and negative responses.
By now you’ve probably heard that politician John Edwards diagnosed himself as a narcissist when he was caught cheating on his wife. Chances are you’re dealing with a narcissist in the workplace, too.
I’m seeing an alarming increase in self-absorbed people causing chaos throughout organizations. Their grandiose self-importance, sense of entitlement, impulsiveness, and explosive anger towards anyone who doesn’t treat them like royalty are harming corporate cultures, retention and productivity. One minute, they’re charming and the next, they’re in meltdown mode, tossing verbal grenades and howling at the moon.
So how do you communicate with a peer whose ego is so inflated they think they’re above the rules? A person who’s intolerant to setbacks, lacks empathy, is impulsive, and lashes out at any slight, real or imagined? Here are 5 quick tips to help you manage a narcissist on the job or at home:
Give them options. Beneath their bluster, narcissistic people fear being left out of the loop. They crave control. Better to offer them options to choose from rather than feed them ready-made decisions that they’ll tear apart. Choosing from options helps them feel in control and respected. It also prevents nasty hissy fits.
Make them the hero. Narcissists are preoccupied with power and truly believe they are special and unique. They live for attention and admiration. Want them to do something? Tell them how great they are and watch them perform. Like Pavlov’s dog – it’s that easy. Better yet, praise them in front of others. Just keep it real, please.
Let them think it’s their idea. Narcissists often steal the credit for ideas that aren’t theirs. Strangely, they truly believe that hijacked results are their own. If this is what gets things done, I say learn to live with it. Over time, everyone will catch on and, wink-wink, you’ll make things happen as they feed their ego.
Define, don’t defend. When you explain a challenge to a narcissist, focus on the solution rather than allowing them to dissect the problem over and over again. Narcissists love drama and revel in the chaos. They’re easily agitated when frustrated. Don’t put blood in the water or the shark will tear you apart.
Fill in the blind spot. Narcissists lack empathy. It doesn’t occur to them to consider your feeling or viewpoints. They’re so caught up in their own world that your needs are not on the radar screen. They don’t mean to disregard you – it’s just a blind spot. This means you’re in charge of putting your feelings on the table if you choose to do so. Just be smart about it and brace yourself for guilt trips and disparaging criticism if your needs don’t align with theirs.
One of the world’s richest men is a master storyteller. Coincidence? Not a chance. Warren Buffett, CEO of Berkshire Hathaway, ditches dry facts and replaces them with stories.
Why does America’s most successful investor bother to generate stories? Because he knows the return on investment. Stories create clarity, not confusion. Buffett purposefully uses storytelling as a form of knowledge management. And you should, too. You may be a humdrum storyteller right now, but you can improve with a few quick tips:
1. Tell success stories. What successes can you identify in your organization or your personal dealings? How have people benefitted as a result? This is the meat of a good business story.
2. Your story must be significant. Spell out what has changed for the better. Link your tale to concrete outcomes and it will gain weight and significance. It will matter.
3. Your story should resonate. It must be truthful enough to shake the skeptics and reveal a universal truth that motivates people to act. Aim to strike a chord with your audience, instead of merely being an historian.
4. Your story must sound distinctive. If it sounds like the same-old, same-old, it will be ignored. Copycat versions of someone else’s story leave people feeling cheated. Okay, your story can have a familiar ring to it, but it should be distinctive enough to compel a new a-ha moment.
5. End on a positive note. Leave your listeners feeling good. End with a purpose: define the lesson learned and the way forward. This will give your story a long shelf life and lead to positive results.
Ever been 10 minutes into a presentation when a sinking feeling washes over you that at no one is listening? You scan the room and confirm your worst fears. Some appear to have slipped into a presentation-induced coma. Others are thumbing their Blackberries under the table or fidgeting with cell phones. Heads are bobbing all over the room.
What went wrong?
You faced a common presentation failure: tune-out. Here are some presentation delivery tips to help you engage any audience:
1. You’re Diana Ross, the slides are the Supremes. In other words, you’re the star and your visuals are the back-up singers. Don’t let the slides eclipse your talent. Nothing infuriates audiences more than a presenter who merely reads them the slides.
2. Deliver as peer-to-peer, not teacher-to-student. Here’s another thing that irks audiences: the feeling that they’re being lectured to. Treat your audience as equals and they’ll reward you by paying attention.
3. Think John Madden. Deliver your material as a colorful analyst, not the play-by-play guy. Share insights instead of mere factoids. They want to know what you make of things. After all, if you’re presenting, you’re some kind of subject matter expert, aren’t you?
4. Get your audience actively and meaningfully involved. Involvement leads to engagement, which leads to action. Don’t just talk at people. That’s a monologue, which is booooring. You might has well just stand there and repeat blah, blah, blah. Instead, create a dialogue, a two-way talk, to engage people.
5. Add warmth. Likability is key. Relax your muscles. Don’t let tenseness trump hours of preparation. Smile naturally. Quiet your lower body so you don’t distract people with unintentional mannerisms. Deliver your message with purpose and passion and you’ll keep people tuned in. Even in a short attention span world.
You heard about the married politician caught trysting with his girlfriend in Argentina. On the day he was caught returning from his fun in the sun, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford held a hasty, free association press conference at the statehouse to drop the bomb.
News reports throughout the weekend referred to Jett Travolta as “the son of John Travolta” and called the boy’s death “The John Travolta Tragedy.” The boy’s mother was an afterthought in the news reports, if she was even mentioned at all.
Game over. Cleveland Browns owner Randy Lerner moved swiftly to fire his front office following the final, crushing loss of the season. He cut general manager Phil Savage loose by phone after Sunday’s defeat, and then sacked coach Romeo Crennel the next morning. Most Joes and pros alike support Lerner’s moves because the team under-performed in humiliating fashion this season.
and forth or bouncing your legs or feet are very distracting and make it difficult for others to focus on your words. Keep the lower body quiet in order to give power to your presence.
